- ► March 2012 (5)
12.23.2012 | 18:06
11.28.2012 | 21:09
10.30.2012 | 21:34
After heaving a sigh of relief (and numerous metal fences) we've reached District One. There is nothing remarkable in this place: The yellow and blue colors present in the city's square are the same hues that flood the eyes. I asked my sister if she brought the things on my list. She nodded while prodding her small bag.
I saw the bread inside her leather case but I resisted the urge to take it. The day is surely going to be long and we do not want to die of starvation in an unfamiliar place. Water sufficed, though it has to be used properly, too. Ahead of us is a stretchy journey than what we might have expected.
I closed my eyes. I felt the soft breeze brush my face and take my worries away.
We have the complete requirements, like proofs of residency and identification cards. Surely, the elections officer will permit our transfer.
That was what transpired, thank goodness.
PS: I hope I fooled a few of you to think that this was a vignette with The Hunger Games in mind. LOL
9.06.2012 | 21:17
If for one thing, the PLUS status was revoked, I was more than confused with my visitors and everything else on the site. I think PR did this to get more income aside from the occasional advertisements on the Visitors page. I still get a little discomforted with the removal of some portions of the site which gave me easier links for navigation.
Some of the guys I used to know there recognized my new account (maybe they wandered a little from their safe havens and decided to look around). They asked though if I was a poser because I had less profile views than my old account, which of course is due to the fact that I'm just around two weeks resurrected. Nevertheless, they still remember how witty I was and how easy I make a chat flow. A few asked to meet me (read: taste me *LOL*) again but I simply rejected because this comeback is not for the hookups. I'm waaaaaay past that level already.
There is a new feature, Grindr-like, that maps your location so that you can see who the nearest horny guys are. I find it very handy when I decided to sleep with one guy within 600 feet. Oh, did I say I'm waaaay past the hookups level? Yeah, because hookup is an understatement. Bwahaha.
I forgot where I placed my old profile text. I wanted to recycle it because filling out the details and the profile text is really a bit time consuming for me, considering that most users don't read profiles anymore. I'm actually surprised when one time, someone sent me a footprint saying "Nice profile!" then I asked him, which part of my profile is nice, the text or the pictures? He said the text. At that moment. I. WAS. REALLY. SURPRISED. With eyes like these: O.O
I'm overwhelmed by the number of visitors I have for the past three days, and the amount of messages which led me to this post. I can't of course taste them all so I made a habit of putting a template on my chats so I can quickly reply.
This time, I got a very catchy headline, reason probably why I got so many of those messages and views. I say, "Gusto ko ng kalaro". They all want to be my playmate.
9.03.2012 | 21:57
Thanks to the internet, popularity seemed too easy to be achieved nowadays. Whether you upload a video on Youtube [or XTube LOL] or write with a certain charisma, then it's good to go.
There are other avenues, though, that weirdly gave me a certain focus to local popularity, and in turn, the celebrities in this area.
I always take an FX ride to work, and even before when I was still studying. FXs nowadays are equipped with a multi-way radio, like the Walkie-Talkie. It is interesting how they created a certain language that contained codes to inform other drivers of traffic situation. I've actually decoded these and I use them in sentences to be coherent with the meaning.
But what drew me closer to listening to these radio conversations is one driver with the codename Hampaslupa. His funny comments and cool voice is an instant hit. I see other passengers laugh when he's pulling up jokes on the radio. He is also smart because I can sense a certain educated might in his sentence construction [oh yeah]. A couple of weeks ago, I took his ride. I couldn't help myself but look at him every now and then because he is my type! LOL. I'm just kidding. I was dumbstruck, I focused on listening to his voice. He is deserving of entering my small list.
At work, we use a queueing system for our software jobs that needs the global license. In the Linux server, you can see the progress of the queue, and how many jobs were submitted and the user who submitted these jobs to the server. Two users got my attention, because I always see their names on the queue with hundreds of jobs everyday. Because of the delay they are causing due to priority, I couldn't help but be curious of who these guys are.
When I was testing one of my hardware jobs, I overheard one group leader talking to a certain person. "Migs, tapos ka na ba mag-simulate? Pinapatawag ka sa baba eh." That statement didn't pass my ears. I turned my head immediately to see who was addressed. He is slightly taller than me, and he is HAWT. Goodness, reason why I'm always excited when going to work, I see a lot of cute people. This guy is one of the people I always catch a glimpse of. I was starstruck this time. He looked better near me. Hahaha.
As for the other guy, I haven't seen him yet, maybe he's on a different floor but I'm looking forward to seeing him. :)
I don't know if some people find it weird, but admiring normal people and putting them in a celebrity status is a fun kind of thing for me. When the fan meets the celebrity, there is no greater joy. I was definitely blown away with these minute encounters. It makes my little world go round by expecting something and putting in pedestal the things that other people might overlook.
8.22.2012 | 23:40
Or so he thought.
The superior was crying while talking to another nun. He tried to eavesdrop, negative as it may be but he has to know. News of his idol shot on an airport was worse than the weather.
It was supposed to be a day of liberation, a day of freedom. Sometimes, spirit is viral. When others weep, watchers become sensitive.
It could also be because, no one was strong enough to fight. No one had the courage to break through military leagues. Hope was gone.
But as a kid who knows all possibilities: who underestimates the value of failure; who treats bold moves with optimism; who expects even in the absence of something to hold on to; Nothing is over until it is over.
From this point on, we will project Nisan's perspectives on that eleventh birthday, every twenty-second day of August.
22 August 2011 - A Champion of Words
Credits go to Dabo for illustrating a fraction a year ago.
8.19.2012 | 23:10
It's the greatest mood killer there was.
By my scientific foresight, I deduced several conclusions to the rain-bringing monsoon, none of which was the inclusion of our area in the list of casualties. Just to scale a comparison, Ondoy didn't affect our place drastically.
When natural calamities mean the possible suspension of academic activities, it is the exact opposite in a workplace: The greater reason there is to go to work to compensate for a possible cripple in production. Personally, I didn't mind going to work on my birthday not because I was to receive a gift from our President, but because I COULD go to work. As I said in one of my tweets, it doesn't matter if I do triathlon just to reach the office. I'm that dedicated.
Reviewing the extent of damages as compared to the celebration that I would have felt better, I realized how lucky I was. I became an engineer this year. I got to show others that I was capable of being independent. I got two high-paying jobs (related to my profession), one after another. Friends that I can never be more thankful for. A family who's always been behind me. Just the right time to count my blessings.
Though I still long for material things and love, I may give up on those areas to date. For one, I don't know how to save money. I always spend it on food and a huge chunk goes to my family, too. As for love, nothing is closer to chills on the spine. Expecting is always the wrong verb.
However unceremonial the transition was, it more importantly meant something personally. Age is just a number but with these numbers come anticipation and changes. Things that must always be for the better.
I see age as a hard rock. Something that deserves not much focus but one I must always be aware(weary) of.
Postscript: Thanks to the people who took time to please me in your own ways, big or small. Everything is appreciated. :)
8.05.2012 | 07:09
Days streched to weeks, weeks to months and our progress as friends remained like a transient power source, it is on for most of the time but glitches take us out of touch then, without forcing it, we reconnect stronger than before.
I like you very much. Sometimes, I felt that you liked me too, but you were too high and I can't believe that it would be possible. If ever it was so, I was afraid to lose that bond so I always stood miles away from the weird possibility of seeing myself with you.
I've always thought ahead of you, no matter how you say that I've too many grains to grind seconded with that familiar phrase "papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako" which clouds everything to dust. I knew that your tropa won't like me in as much as I think that you won't like me either and that adds up to the infinitesimal possibility of us being together, in spite of all the flirting that we did.
However, there was that one day when you took all the risk to tell me that you wanted to become my boyfriend. I was left in a state of shock for less than ten seconds. You smiled and I was never, more relieved to be blessed with a gentle and caring person like you.
We never worked out though. I knew at the beginning that things would be different with my attitude towards other guys and with the way you wanted to hold me at the neck. You are a jealous person, I kept on inking that to your chest through faded kissmarks. You took me away from that mainstream moment when nothing could ever brace me. I fell in love and it rocketed on a rocky surface. No amount of pleading would give you the pleasure and stimulus to forgive me.
Days passed and I hear you making side notes and anything sinister. When I confronted you, you told me it was nothing, that it ain't for me. Recently, I saw you talk to one of your colleagues over a stream and news snapped my heart.
Though as they say, all good things come with a price and for this matter, the price needed to be paid in cash. Yeah, we may have had that installment love affair which was fun if you ask me, but it is all over and I just hope that you do well with your new lover who I think is better than me in all aspects. He is a lucky guy to have you. I wish nothing but the best for you two.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld
7.25.2012 | 21:34
He snaps, I wake, ever ashamed. I may have been caught, absent the reasonable blabber: A favor from the gods that my tongue is of good practice.
Oh, inspiration in the work place indeed makes the job less stressful.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld
7.07.2012 | 18:49
6.19.2012 | 23:17
6.11.2012 | 11:08
6.06.2012 | 16:20
6.05.2012 | 09:31
- This known pink blogger lives in the North. Let us call him Northman. Northman has a boyfriend from the West. They love hanging out in The Triangles of the North. Northman loves the guy from the West. The guy from the West loves Northman and another. Little does Northman know that the guy from the West is to be married. The girl wants to be a June bride. The guy from the West is best at keeping arrangements: five minutes from his date with Northman, he checks out the fiancee. Thus far, West guy has been successful in not making an unexpected intersection. ;)
The question is, what will Northman do if this comes to his knowledge? With Northman's Aikiido credentials, it would be an understatement to expect West guy in crutches on the wedding day.
- A guy from the Northern Islands is attached to someone from a city in the Islands Down Under. Their relationship, however romantic, is much like that of a cat and mouse. The man from Under likes the Northern guy very much. The Northern thinks that the guy from Down Under could be worth it, but is so promiscous he keeps lying about his sexual encounters to him. The Northern guy was seen thrice in a Red Keep near some Monument, with a different guy for each visit. Northman is proud to tell this to Another Northerner who can't keep his mouth shut either. The guy from Down Under thinks that Northerner is the most faithful guy he's ever been with but Another Northerner knows otherwise.
In this particular city from the Islands Down Under, it would be unwise to work with fire at the birth of the year. The Northerner finds attraction to a certain animal. (Well, that could be a rooster, or a shuttlecock.)
- This one has declared himself good at his craft. His clients are amazed by his skills, and some would often want to keep on hiring him on a long-term endeavor. He said though that he is strictly project-based and is repulsed with the idea of an attachment. He says that monotony is bad for his skills, as well as for his business.
One time, a scientist came to need his services. Scientist was able to acquire him at a GRAND prize. Grand and a half grand per hour. (Oh, I hope you count, they've stayed at the Scientist's Laboratory for ten hours.) Scientist said that he just used the skills but not the other thrills. Craftsman did his thing though while the Scientist watched with lush. When the craftsman was sleeping, the Scientist obtained a sample of the Craftsman's fruit of labor. As a scientist, he performed several tests in the laboratory and if there was a grading system for this, he could prove that the Craftsman is indeed good. He must get A+ which is very positive.
So much for now. Don't fret, my little birds are everywhere. This won't be the last.
5.29.2012 | 06:10
Himalaya singing the deepest of basses.
Might it come, might it not,
Clock is ticking, spook waiting.
And in the evening time,
There was light.
Above all frustrations, and
Yonder he rises
Saying: "I'm back, bitches."
Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na comeback speech, free verse na lang. :p
4.21.2012 | 09:36
4.20.2012 | 09:40
By a certain methodology, my ways were significantly reduced to scant actuation. Its inception appears to be a disturbing aberration, because I always would take things down, discuss it with my subconscious and do something about it no matter how trivial.
Recent events accounted, a significant change had taken its worthy spot: A volition war is in effect.
Choosing between the things you like and the person who likes you is a difficult choice to make. The will may be the keystone in the arch of human achievement but nothing takes away the moral obligation to considerations. When a person gets a little nudge to maturity (which I believe is my case here), he learns that it is not always all about the things he wants. It now boils down to what is right and what is more beneficial.
Picking among invisible menus makes me thug like a faint heart. Hopeful, me would always believe that somewhere, there is a probability that the pick is correct. Because I chose you.
4.01.2012 | 23:15
I once wrote a fiction book about kings and political families, similar to this Song of Fire and Ice story but in an entirely different time frame bordering modern and traditional. The affinity I'm showing to the books by George R. R. Martin is explainable. Sometimes, I stop reading or watching because it gets too real in my mind that I can't think of anything else but it. It is a good read for someone who is looking for a parallel universe.
Nameday. This is the book's term for birthday. April 6, 2011 was the day when Green Breaking broke into the blogosphere. This Friday is this blog's first Nameday. I'm thankful for everything that this blog has taught and won for me. I can never express how grateful I am for the things that I have gained (and lost). It was a learning experience. I may not be the best blogger there is but you people showed me that care and concern which does not fit me. From the bottom of my hypothalamus, thank you very much.
3.23.2012 | 00:46
We shopped some clothes and made out in the fitting room. Ate lunch, discussed matters.. It was then that I realized how the person lacked intellect. I was half thinking if we should pursue the movie; we watched anyway. He got really annoying because he wanted to hold my hand when I'm trying to encompass all the details while comparing it to the book. I gave him a smack which should have been enough for his silence yet he continued budging. I gave in to his request.
In truth, I have never felt lonelier than early today. Surviving from a deuce will never be my thing. There is always a wonder how I get conned when I know my capabilities well, when I know the capacity of my defenses.
Yet, without flicker, the sweet words gnaw my shield and corrode me.
Which leaves me the loser.
I never give someone more that six hours of my time if the person ain't worth it. Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I never really learn when it comes to trusting people in general. They befriend me, thus providing a room for more skeezy attempts, like taking things a notch higher. When matters get crowded, they just leave me like crap. Not even having a single damn about looking back, no respect to how I disclaimed the reversion to friendship should the step up conk out.
Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I'm the dumbest person when it comes to this arena. I present myself as the kingpin so when the ball goes rolling, I'm on the frontline of it. Having yourself reminded of the mistakes you made is not a happy advent, but a mordant.
When I think of those happy times, it makes me realize, how come trivial things always become the reason?
I just want something real in my life. I'm tired of these fancy things happening around me..
3.15.2012 | 17:06
It was the last month of my ninth semester in college. We were busy arranging the project at school because it was bulky and we had to use the machinery at the Mechanical Engineering section of our college, so all the time after classes had to be devoted to it. Our deadline is a week from that time and we never really have the manpower to make things faster, so we spend our time in the school until the guards order us to leave. Common uwian time is quarter to ten and I would reach our home by 11.
One night, while I was homebound, five blocks away, I received a text message from one of the people who got my number in my online account. He asked me, "Are you asleep? :)" like yeah. There's a smiley right there. I put off my earphones, and had this little smile at the corner of my lips. That's my favorite expression whenever something nasty's cooking up. I tried to tidy myself and sprayed some pampalibog. LOL
I texted him when I reached their gate because I wouldn't want to wake half of their house if I rang the doorbell. I saw him open the door and I immediately recognized him by the light of the moon (oo, full moon talaga nun hindi ako nagbibiro). He's the guy that I always see with his teammates playing in the common basketball court. He doesn't have the OMG looks unlike his cutie captain but what I want with my guys are the muscled arms and chest. This guy has it. He was only wearing jersey shorts and he placed his shoulder around me while we were walking inside.
We were in the sofa. I didn't want to waste any moment because it was already late, but he's faster. He unbuttoned my polo and in excitement, one button fired away and went missing. While he was working with my top, I removed my belt and pants, until all I was wearing were only my briefs and socks.
He aggressively licked my torso and nipples while I was playing with his manhood. The guy was watching porn in a laptop before I came there and it probably explained his precum. I jacked him off while he was spreading saliva all over my tummy. I hated how he made me very horny by biting my dick inside the underwear. I became impatient and I slid my junior at the side of the briefs. He nursed my cock and sucked like it had milk as a cow's breast. He sucked like a first timer, and I took him away from his passionate sipping and gave him a quick kiss in the ears. I told him to do better and that's how I knew he was imitating the guy on the video. His copycat skills are fair enough to please me, and I understood him because I'm not good in cocksucking, too.
When he got tired of sucking, I begged off for my turn and we jacked using the other's hand. Cool. He messed in his tummy and I came in his chest. He took time wiping away the juices. It made me horny seeing him with cum all over. I had an erection, though I hushed it by wearing back my pants.
When we both finished what we were supposed to do, I told him to just accompany me to the gate, because he insisted on going with me to our house. Our house knows no sin. I wanted it to remain that way.
3.11.2012 | 22:23
On my mind, I always refer to him as "kuya" so let that be carried on in this write-up. Kuya is mid twenty-ish, is fair skinned and has a tattoo of a name (I never intended to examine it, but it's a name of a girl yata) at the back of his muscled arm. Buffed up man.
My fascination of him started the first day after they moved in. It was early morning, I was to buy breakfast and I saw him, topless, cleaning the corridors and stairs with a wet mop. Good grace, if that's the first thing you see in the morning you'd be thrilled not to repeat it. Well, for my case. *boner alert* LOL
A couple of weeks after, those hot nights, I wasn't able to sleep on our lights off time, so I decided to go upstairs, to the rooftop, to get some air and bore myself to sleepiness. Went there and completely forgot of the CCTVs that were generously placed in the corners of the building. It was past midnight, and I could have cared less. When, alas, I felt the slowing down of my system, it was time to go down and sleep. I was half-thinking when... I saw him. He was on his way to the rooftop. I saw him from the top flight of the stairs and he was on the base. My mind was too slow to pay him any attention or anything that I just went past him without greeting. When we've passed each other, he called me.
I stopped dead. He called me.
"Joe, diba? Matutulog ka na?"
And my mind went racing. He wanted to start a conversation.
"Opo, medyo masakit na po ang mata ko eh," I told him, sheepishly.
He stepped back, and with a swift movement, he cornered me in his arms. Damn. It was one of those crazy kilig scenes in Koreanovelas. LOL.
"I always see you looking," he told me.
"Maganda kasi ang muscles mo, nakakainggit," I told him honestly though with a little hesitation. Remember my brain is half-working. My hand went to his chest. "Dito, ang galing ng work out mo."
"Pero bakit sa utong ka lang nakahawak?" he inquisitively asked. "Bading ka ba?"
I was out of my mind, my hands were working on their own accord. I couldn't account for the subconscious. I just said, "Oo, may problema ba?"
"Wala." And his word was a trigger, I kissed his ears and smelled his hair.. Hmmm. It was poison to the blood. His smell alone made me feel horny. There was a tiny smile at the corner of my lips while they were moving from ears to the neck, neck to shoulder, shoulder to pits. I just needed to repeat to myself that he smells good. Probably went on a night shower, which gave me the impression that this was planned. Yeah, he saw me through the CCTV.
I could not let his nipples wait any longer. My fetish. It was so irresistible. I needed to move my tongue over it. Did it with pleasure and kuya was delirious. Left, to right. Licking is my forte. The tongue slid smoothly to the abs. It lingered in the treasure trail for a while.
Finally I was able to remove his shorts. I've been dreaming of that moment for roughly three weeks. The actuality of it seemed surreal which it is. Thoughts of it annealed my body some nights and that scene was the apex. No, not yet, but we're about to reach that.
His dick was already throbbing after I've stripped his bottom wear. It was pointing at my face. I teased by licking the head and pinching the shaft with my thumb and forefinger to create tension. I didn't grab it yet. I wanted him to be at his hardest.
Then, I slowly tried to put it in my mouth. I was around three fourths the length when I've realized my limit. I'm not a good cocksucker. I thought to have disappointed him but his moans were enough to back me up. It gave me the ticket to know that I was doing a good job.
My tongue was playing with his shaft while it was inside my mouth. I was getting the drill. I tried to swallow but I can't, because it didn't feel good in the throat. But he gasped whenever I went deeper. He told me that he wanted to come in my mouth. Kuya was master. I licked his balls, his hips, and back to the hard member. I tried to keep a memory of his manhood: the size, the girth and of how it tasted. Ecstasy, it was, for it was my first this year. Hard and juicy. Just the way I liked it.
"Lapit na a--" he said, but even before he finished "ako", my mouth was already warm with his cum. I tried to contain all of it until I was able to spit it in the plant box near the terrace. I didn't intend to taste it, but it was sweet. I discarded the few left in my mouth, wiped off the substance in my lips.
I said thanks and I expressed my longing to sleep.
But when I was about to open the door, he took me by the hips...
3.06.2012 | 22:48
Sometime, it gets all tiring. Because unfruitful causes are exhausting, and it just rips your vigor out. For the past months, I've always told myself, start studying, stop being a bitch, avoid your phone as much as possible, deactivate the Twitter account blah blah et cetera. Then days stretched to weeks and weeks to months with what? Nothing accomplished. Then I start disappointing myself.
Not that I wanted to drown myself with these empty promises but I think someone I've talked to over the phone gave me a recoil. Like that of a fired rifle. He named names which we both knew back in college and told me how they knew their habits well, how devoted they were to studying, albeit the intelligence and the confidence.
Then I started looking at meself: You are a dumbass book-smart person. You be asked anything related to your course and you'll give the answer in a mo. You passed and topped the center's diagnostic exams you've studied for half-asleep. In college, you crammed assignments and still got grades three notches higher than those who pulled up some effort. But you can easily chuck that out of the way because you're a slimy slothful scum who doesn't want to study. The one people curse because of being so effortless and easy.
However, these situations arise and make me feel timid, for the time is so ho hum, could have been arid at worst, almost (well, okay most of the time) not tickling my fancy. Promises notwithstanding, I can't coerce myself to choke in barren filth just so that I can flatter someone else's adroitness. Worse, I can't find my own.
My affiance not betray me, my assent not escape me, I surmise in the faintest of hopes that this time, I won't be dumb(er)ass crazy to screw it. A month of sacrifice must be worth it.
3.05.2012 | 22:31
Masakit talaga. Ganyan ang pagmamahal eh. To love is to hurt. Things may be impossible but still there is hope because there is something that you keep on holding onto until that something makes you hurt. Bad side is, lalong habang sumasakit, lalo mo pa siyang minamahal. Tangina, malas nga naman.
Kahit pa niloloko ka na, at pinapaasa, bilang isang martir ay kunwaring pipi at bulag na walang narinig at nakita.
Someone would notice, eventually. At tatanungin ka, hanggang saan ba ang kaya mong gawin para ipaglaban ang pag-ibig na yan? Lahat gagawin ko! Yan ang sagot. Pero ngayon, nasaan na ang lakas ng loob na iyon?
Nabasa ko sa isang tweet, wala naman daw nakakahiya in professing your feelings for someone. Being in love is a gift. It is a good thing. Ano nga namang nakakahiya, eh mahal mo siya? Ano ang nakakahiya sa isang bagay na hindi naman kasalanan? Nagmamahal lang ako. Ngunit, sa maling tao.
Every teardrop and pain contributes to a deeper connection which would eventually be difficult to dodge.
Mapagbiro ang tadhana. Kung sino pa ang nagmamahal ng totoo, yun pa ang nagdudusa sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya nilang ipadama. Wala naman sa kanila ang problema, kung hindi sa taong mahal nila..
2.23.2012 | 20:53
2.21.2012 | 06:25
2.20.2012 | 00:21
I woke up from a bad dream... really a bad, bad dream: A hooded serial killer was holding some sort of meat cleaver in his left hand. He was chasing me though a tight space of leaves and twigs and branches of some old tree in a twilit forest. His hood taken off, I saw his bloodlust. He was cunning. I was as cunning to save myself.
Equally negating his vulpine subtlety, I mustered all the strength that would allow me to copy some callid ninja moves in an old Chinese action movie. However, his agile legs are undeniably faster. Just as I thought, it was only a matter of time. He caught up on me. We wrestled. I tried to remove the cleaver from his grip but the more I deflected it, the more he pointed it on me. In desperation, I kicked his crotch. It was enough to cripple him for a few minutes. It bought me some time.
He called my name. His voice resounded in the vastness of the dark, woods. There was no clear source, because I lost track of direction in the aim to rid of him from my sight.
I will hunt you down!
The source appeared to be nearer this time. Panic strikes. Composure lost.
"Face me weaponless, you coward!" I screamed. I was crying. I never expected this.
One over seven billion is a ridiculous chance that I was willing to wait for. Impossible was the word to beat.
But fate cracked my code. I found him. Seven months ago, we were a match made in heaven (some would coin). I must have thought of it as a bad omen, for it was too good to be true.
Seven months from that point, he wants to kill me. I want to kill him in equal measure. Everytime though, when I think that I have the courage to put the dagger in his neck, it breaks me to pieces. It ruins me hundredfold. How can I ever destroy the man who believed me, who was with me in my lowest of lows? He rescued me from a lot of difficult instances. He fulfilled my fantasies...
I woke up sobbing, pillows wet. Dreams are reflections of the reality that my conscious would be ashamed to reveal, yet my subconscious wants to expose. Perhaps, in the convergence of partial truths and partial imaginations, there lies the answer.
I still love him even if it hurts me.
2.08.2012 | 14:46
I'm tired waiting for your calls to come. I'm tired waiting for the LED on my Blackberry to turn red. I'm tired of the games that we have tried to play.
The day you said that you love me was the happiest I've become after college. You never knew how sober I was, trying to escape the problems that have been chasing me. You were my rest. You were a refuge.
And now, rain starts pouring through you. The safest place I thought is now getting me unprotected. I don't want that.
I'm sorry, but I think...
I must leave you.
2.01.2012 | 00:55
He came late in one of our PowerPoint sessions. Five people in half a row, we're not in speaking terms and he is last to fill.
Him to me: pre, trapik sa LRT.
He chose to explain only to me. He smiles then with this really small dimple on the right cheek. He sits in my left. He chews a gum.
I was sleepy and I've already read the things that were flashing on the projector on some book. I leaned my head on the armchair.
Him: Don't sleep.
Me: Sleep with me. (OMG. Realized that it didn't go well. Was supposed to mean, 'sabayan mo akong matulog'. Crap.)
He always chews a gum.
Me: Para kang kambing.
The next day...
He's not chewing anything na. Ayaw niya ata ma-turn off ako sa kanya. Chauz.
Him: I always see you looking.
Me: You won't catch me if you weren't looking, too.
No jackets are allowed in the review room. I came late and I saw him inclined forward with folded arms due to the cold temperature. I wanted to hug him because I'm hot. (see, I just got in the room. My temperature is technically higher than his.) Ugh. Fail.
He's so cute in a white shirt. I dunno.
I saw a classmate sitting in the other half of the row so I sat beside the classmate. He saw me get in and I think he wondered why I didn't sit beside him, on the supposed seating arrangement. (Medyo maraming absent that day kaya may vacant seats)
The next day, I was expecting him to sit next to me but he didn't. Gumaganti ang loko. Nagselos agad. Hmp.
Due to boredom in repeated Powerpoints, I've developed several habits like doing Naruto technique hand seals and the like.
The next day, ginagaya na niya ako.
The first time that I've noticed him is the time na nabuburyong na kami sa pino-project sa harapan. Instead of sitting with my back sa sandalan, I moved a little forward and did a Ninoy with my elbow on the armchair. Ginaya niya ako. Since medyo masikip at magkakalapit ang upuan, naiilang ako sa kanya. So I sat up staright at sumandal. Ginaya niya ulit ako. Then inulit ko yung ginawa ko nung una. Ginaya na naman niya ako.
I took a glance.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko, buti na lang at medyo cute siya.
(Repeat this scenario twenty times)
Inextend ko ang paa ko, kasi parang nangalay. Inextend din niya ang paa niya. Tinabi niya yung hita niya sa hita ko. Papansin talaga.
Me: I like your pants.
Him: Ganda ba pre?
Tumango lang ako.
(Me: I like you better without them. Charot!)
By the way, he is straight. Ilusyonada lang aketch. Hihi. Di rin kami gaano nag-uusap. Minsan lang. Seatmates lang kami. :D
Pero may 'term of endearment' siya saken. Pare. Pre. Pag nakikipag-usap siya sakin, kinikilig ako. Hahahaha.
OKAY. No more notes.
1.26.2012 | 17:13
This part is most romantic: the day that we met. He went to our dormitory unexpectedly. He didn't know where to park (shit, why will I have to always deal with the parking problems of my dates?), so he texted me that he was on the spot, then asked for help on where to put his big toy. I told him to wait for a couple of minutes as I reach the street. I shooed him from the driver's seat and I drove to P. Noval and back for some space. He maintained an awkward gaze while I was maneuvering. Goodness, he is a looker! The fair twink type. I died. LOL
He instinctively knew that there was no one else in the room. All my roommates had to go somewhere, so I let him in. We talked for some thirty-ish and I stripped in front of him, changed garb and we were off to somewhere.
It was a wonderful day, he made good use of the small time that I spared for him. I didn't regret missing some five hours of review time, really.
One of the worst things about me is that I easily fall for traps. Lately, I've exercised a certain repulsion to save myself. Yes, I did it to Eric. This will probably explain my silence, boy.
My basic rule is 'Never expect anything'. Let any whatever come, just don't expect a thing from me and I won't expect anything from you, too. I'm very fragile to be situated in crazy contraptions. I become weird. Yeah, spell Emma Kurtzman in the movie No Strings Attached. Pero shet lang, kung kasing hot lang din naman ni Ashton Kutcher eh why not di ba? Hahahaha
I'm learning, slowly, the art of abstinence. Like YEAH. My last was last year. A large chunck of my time has several allotments now, the productive kind.
With the examinations season approaching, there is no room to being lukewarm. There may be less than 10 books that I still need to read and understand by heart. I'm quite disappointed with my progress, it's like I should be on some level now when I'm actually three echelons down. Last week, my eyes were bloodshot. Lack of sleep and too much reading, perhaps. However, such effort is not yet enough. Not yet.
The only thing that I'm looking forward to is my El Nido trip, which is exactly right after the boards, and the job offer in a shipline company down South. See you, friends, very soon. I can't wait to marry with the Queen City for a short term of two years or so.
Have a great weekend, folks. Thanks for taking time to read. :)
1.14.2012 | 20:33
1.08.2012 | 23:18
How do you know if it makes a difference?
Recent events accounted, a smashing modification was forced to make effect. Several puts it on a list as antisocial. Most persist, the move is synoptic to death. I believe so...
The day I buried it, I promised to never look back. No matter how difficult the struggle was. Ahead of me is a greater war -- a tug of thoughts, a battle of wills. The future remains certainly uncertain. The adversary has eight arms to cripple. There is no other choice but to rid of weights, put down unnecessary packages and sacrifice ideals which could integrate to a cloudy survival. Every percentage of sureness is tantamount to triumph, and must be encouraged, even if it means separation.
The way everyone looks at me is less important. Who are they to evaluate and pass judgment? Months from now, they will eat their tongues. They will succumb to shame. For the moment, I will pretend not to hear. I will pretend not to see. I will pretend not to understand. Nothing can hurt me.
And I ask again, how do you know if it makes a difference? Perhaps the best answer is, when you do not ask yourself why.
1.05.2012 | 18:55
As kids, before fully discovering what things on the religion meant, we did celebrate Christmas. Sunny days these were -- parties and games. The worldly fun was subtracted of the supposed meaning. Perhaps the only things that reflected the substance were the opening prayer and exchanging of gifts.
Sunday was a grand celebration at the church. I learned that there were some sort of exchange gift portion for the kids. The activity started after lunch. Gifts of different colors can be seen at the center of the gathered children. A flashback of happy memories streamed like a torrent of liquid euphoria: There is some sort of gladness on seeing gifts, and excitement to know the contents of the wrapped bundle. No matter how big or small (of course, anticipation for the large packages are greater) these were, making the kids smile for one moment is priceless.
I asked my kumare that I'd bail on my godson's gift for the moment. I'd get back after the kid's birthday, leaving her some amount for supplies.
I gave my boy a condom.
"What is this?" he asked.
"That is just the wrapper," and there was no second telling what the present was.
Happy New Year!
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