12.23.2012 | 18:06

That Awkward Moment

It was getting late when I decided to go home after a short Christmas shopping. Mall hours are extended, cavalcades go to and fro. Out of all the unfamiliar faces, I saw my newest office crush. He's on his way home.

We haven't been introduced formally but I think we know each other by mild interaction - we don't really speak to each other a lot. I recognized him first from a distance but I kept my gaze away, only to  realize that it was too late because he saw me, too.

I kept on looking at him, halfway expecting a greeting like "Oy, pre!" or something similar. I'm not the first-move-type-of-guy so I was stuck in the gaze. To break the tension, I gave him half a bow to a nod that he modestly returned (I think so?).

The atmosphere was so dense when we were about to cross each other's paths and good thing my girlfriend called me so I had an excuse to do something other than keep on looking at him.

The most awkward moment ever.

I couldn't imagine how we would fare the day work resumes.


***

PostScript: To those who keep on asking for the next chapter of the The Midnight Affair I might just be uploading an update before the year ends. I once again feel rejuvenated (on writing stories) by the amazing feedback that I've received thus far. Thank you. I guess this is the phase where my time management sucks me whole. It is quite obvious in the spacing of my last ten blogposts. But I will try to write more in the weeks to come, despite the looming promotion with tons of paperwork. I hope you have happy holidays!

11.28.2012 | 21:09

The Midnight Affair

Chapter One: The Awakening


I never thought that Dianne and I would get married. Bago pa man maging kami, our relationship as lovers probably was the toughest. We fight like cats over where to dine (more like forcing the other to decide) or even on the simplest matter of saying our goodbyes that never really end.

I would almost be as ashamed to mention that when we were still teenagers, I'd always get bullied because of my physique. Guys would continue to talk to her despite the fact that we are holding hands, like they don't even notice me. Yung ibang tao kinikilig pag nakakakita ng cute couples. Well, we are not that perfect fit.

Langit siya. She has an angelic face, the "opo, Ma" type that boys would always want to wind for attention. I didn't know how we ended up together.

Oh, yeah. I remember. Dahil lagi na lang akong natutukso, I keep away from them bullies everytime na bakante ang schedule ko. I go to the library. Alam kong walang pumupunta masyado dun. I enjoy the company of books and the cobwebs that cover the (abandoned) bookshelves. One time, hindi ko inaasahan na may tao na pala sa likod ko. That was Dianne. She looked at me eerily. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. No, she didn't look, she examined me. Yun pala, I caught some cobweb on my nose. Damn, akala ko hahalikan niya ako. Feeling ko lang pala yon. Pero kinabahan ako ng sobra na hindi ko maintindihan. From then on I started stalking her. Maybe, just to catch that feeling again.

She may have noticed me. Pero siguro dahil mabait lang talaga siya, she started a conversation. A conversation after another. Isa yun sa mga naging dahilan kung bakit na-ban kami ng dalawang buwan sa library. We just had so many things to talk about.

Minsan pauwi na ako. Then out of nowhere, bigla na lang kasabay ko siya papalabas ng school gate. "Sabay tayo," sabi niya. Napangiti ako at palihim na nagdasal na sana wala munang jeep na dumating. Pero malas, may dumaan. Sa jeep, bigla na lang siyang sumandal sa balikat ko. I don't know why she did that. But it felt nice. I felt the need to keep her head comfortable hanggang sa makababa siya.

At ang sandal sandal, nauwi sa holding hands, sa halikan. Siya ang una ko at ako ang una niya. Ang sarap ng labi niya. Parang hindi ko kayang tigilan. Madalas nag-iinit ang pakiramdam ko at gusto ko siyang hawakan sa iba pang bahagi ng katawan niya pero nakokonsensya ako pag gumagalaw na rin ang kamay niya. Pakiramdam ko hindi tama ang ginagawa namin sa edad namin.

Lumipas ang mga araw at nakarating sa mga kuya niya ang mga balita tungkol sa amin. Bunso si Dianne. Naturally, her brothers would feel protective of her. Inutusan ako ng kuya Lexi niya na pumunta sa bahay nila kung seryoso talaga ako sa kapatid niya. Nanliit ako sa sarili ko nung makita ko ang mga kuya ni Dianne. They are the people you would not - ever - want to cross. The muscled builts and towering stance would always get me stapled on their sofa. They were not really that nice but they tried. Pero pag nawawala ng sandali si Dianne, I would always see Lexi looking at me in an unfriendly way. Like he was scaling me and thinking that I'm someone who doesn't deserve his sister.

That was eight years ago.

Dumaan ako sa isang matinding, sabihin na nating makeover. Pinilit ko na mag-mukhang boyfriend material, yung tipong hindi na tutuksuhin. Kapag nakikita na kami ni Dianne noon, we always hear compliments like "Ang cute niyo naman tignan pag magkasama" or, "Bagay na bagay kayo." Nagkaroon ako ng confidence.

After college, I decided to join an architectural firm. Si Dianne naman, sa isang accounting office sa may Makati nagtatrabaho. Nagpapatayo ako ng bahay para sa aming dalawa simula noong maisipan naming magpakasal. After two years sa trabaho ko, nakapag-ipon na ako ng sapat para doon. Pansamantala, sa bahay nila ako nakatira. Our family moved to Laguna when I started going to college. Uwian pa rin ako so her dad suggested na dun na lang muna ako sa kanila para makatipid daw ako. Anyway, may tiwala na sila sa amin at sa isang bubong na rin naman kami papunta ng anak nila. Kung sa akin lang, kaya ko mag-drive araw araw papunta sa Laguna. Pero gusto ko rin maranasan na mahiwalay sa pamilya ko, para na rin sanayin ang sarili ko.

I found the setup to be extremely beneficial. Halos lagi kami magkasama kaya ang mga balakin namin para sa kasal ay naiplano ng maayos. Pagkatapos naming magpakasal ay nag-leave kami upang mag-honeymoon sa isang isla sa Pacific Ocean. Napakasaya ng mga sandaling iyon. Believe it or not, that was the first time that we had sex. It was liberating. Parang bagong bahagi na naman ng relasyon namin ang nadiskubre namin.

Pagbalik sa Pinas ay napakaraming nagtatanong kung kelan kami magkakaanak. Inaasahan na sa dalawang buwan ay makakalipat na kami sa Makati, sa aming bagong bahay. Hindi muna namin binalak ang baby dahil hindi pa kami nakakalipat at hindi pa replenished ang bank accounts namin matapos ang mga gastos. Tuwang tuwa na sa akin ngayon ang pamilya ni Dianne at maging ang mga magulang ko. Maging ako ay natutuwa. Malaking accomplishment na ang mga nagawa namin thus far.


+++


Isang restday, Dianne went shopping with her friends. May sale daw sa isang malaking mall sa North Ave. Dahil hindi ako fan ng walang kamatayang pagsunod sa isang babae habang namimili, I declined to go with her. I opted to watch the TV and slouch. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog pala ako sa sofa. Maalinsangan ang hangin. I was halfway thinking na sumunod sa mall but the amount of people will put me on an eyestrain. Nagulat ako na nakita ko si kuya JB sa upuan na katapat ng sofa. Nakatingin siya sa akin. Nahiya ako dahil sofa nga pala ang hinihigaan ko. Masakit ang ulo ko dahil naalimpungatan lang ako at dala na rin ng init ng panahon.

"Sorry kuya, here, take a seat, I'll go upstairs," sabi ko.

"It's okay Mike. Mukhang pagod ka. I was looking at you because you don't look like yourself."

"What do you mean, kuya?" I'm puzzled.

"You look stressed. Na-try mo na ba magpa-masahe? Effective daw yun sabi ni kuya Lexi," he said, taking the remote from the coffee table.

"No, di ko yan susubukan. Not after what I've heard nung mag-inuman kayo last week," depensa ko.
"Crazy thinking, hindi 'yun' ang sinasabi ko. The legit massage," he said.

I shrugged and went upstairs with my one eye closed. Nung maramdaman ko na may kama, agad akong nag-dive at natulog.

Nagising ako when I heard someone shuffling the drawers. My drawers.

"Sino yan?" I asked. Padilim na at hindi nakabukas ang ilaw.

"JB. I was getting some underwear," he said.

It was very odd. Si kuya JB, kukuha ng underwear sa drawers ko?

"By the way in case you're wondering, you are sleeping in my room. Mukha kang zombie nung umakyat ka at hindi na ako nagtaka na nandito ka."

"Sorry kuya!" Nagmadali akong ayusin ang sarili ko pero binuksan ni kuya ang ilaw. Nakita ko siyang nakatapis lang ng tuwalya. He's soaked, water was dripping from his hair, from his chin, from his chest...

Stop. It was crazy na tinitignan ko ang pagbaba ng mga patak ng tubig sa katawan ni kuya JB. But it was enjoyable. But it was not proper.

"Ayos ka lang, bro?" Tanong niya. "Kwarto ko to. Can you just move to your room, magbibihis na ako eh," he said.

I thought he noticed. Kinusot ko ang mata ko and involuntarily, kinambyo ko ang alaga ko while walking away. It was so hard. I looked at him kung nakita niya yung ginawa ko. Napangisi si kuya. Nakaramdam ako ng hiya.

"Normal lang yan bro. Sige na dun mo na sa kwarto mo yan palambutin," he laughed.
Embarrassed, I left his room in a couple of seconds.

I thought over what I just saw and felt. I couldn't get my memory off his body. It was close to perfect. I never saw him that near before.


+++


Roughly four years ago I started working out. After classes, diretso na ako sa gym pagkauwi. You know this idea na meron kang isang body type na gustong ma-achieve after those strenuous sessions. I was thinking of kuya JB.

No, it was like an obsession. My mantra "gusto ko maging kasing built ni kuya JB" turned overly repetitive but it was effective. In less than four months I've achieved what I really wanted.

Pero sadya yata talagang hindi ako marunong makuntento. Even if the gym people tell me na I got nice chest, abs, biceps and all that, I still work-out for eighteen hours a week . One time, medyo late na ako nag-start dahil I had to finish reading before hitting the bars. Kahit na sobrang pagod, may sense of fulfillment lalo na kapag nalalagpasan mo ang quota mo sa sarili mo. I took a shower and went to the locker rooms but it was slightly open. I could hear a guy moaning from the ajar door. Out of curiosity, I slowed down my movements and tried if I could see them.

"Wag kang umungol, baka may makarinig sayo," sabi nung isang lalaki.

"Alas diyes na, wala ng tao dito. Kantutin mo pa ko, please.." sabi naman nung lalaking umuungol kanina. Nakita ko na nakatuwad siya at tinitira ng isa pang lalaki. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakikita ko.

Isang lalaki na kinakantot ng isa pang lalaki. Wala silang bahid ng kahinhinan. The idea was so repulsive but as I see them in front of me, unaware of my presence, it made me feel curious. And horny.

"Shit ang sikip mo, puta ka, ito ang bagay sa iyo," at binayo niya ng mabilis ang lalaking nakaluhod. Nakilala ko siya. Siya ang instructor ko.

Shit, sa isip isip ko. Kaya pala madalas ko siyang mararamdaman na parang sobra na sa hawak ang nagagawa niya. Sadya pala yun.

May mga narinig akong paparating, nag-uusap sila. Narinig din ito ng dalawang nagtitirahan at naalerto sila. Pumunta ako pabalik sa mga showers. Kinabahan ako para sa kanila. Tinagalan ko ang pagligo hanggang sa may kumatok na upang sabihan na magsasara na ang gym. Doon lang ako napalagay na wala na akong aabutan sa locker room.


+++


Gaya ng nangyari sa gym, di ako mapalagay. Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, iba. Wala akong nakitang nagniniig. Nakita ko lang ang bayaw ko na nakahubo ng pang-itaas. Pero nakapagtataka na mas masidhi ang nararamdaman kong libog. Gusto ko himurin ang katawan niya.

At ngayon ko lang nalaman.

Hindi lang pala inggit ang nararamdaman ko noon kay kuya JB.

Ako ay nagnanasa.

10.30.2012 | 21:34

Dilemma in District One

The train started to accelerate. We moved through a dark patch off to a wide river when I was temporarily isolated from reality. Finally, I am to leave District Two.

After heaving a sigh of relief (and numerous metal fences) we've reached District One. There is nothing remarkable in this place: The yellow and blue colors present in the city's square are the same hues that flood the eyes. I asked my sister if she brought the things on my list. She nodded while prodding her small bag.

I saw the bread inside her leather case but I resisted the urge to take it. The day is surely going to be long and we do not want to die of starvation in an unfamiliar place. Water sufficed, though it has to be used properly, too. Ahead of us is a stretchy journey than what we might have expected.

I closed my eyes. I felt the soft breeze brush my face and take my worries away.

We have the complete requirements, like proofs of residency and identification cards. Surely, the elections officer will permit our transfer.

That was what transpired, thank goodness.


PS: I hope I fooled a few of you to think that this was a vignette with The Hunger Games in mind. LOL

9.06.2012 | 21:17

The Planet (of Romeos)

Recently, I made a new PR account, after deleting my profile last year. The fun of it is that my comeback wasn't noticed, because of the change in location from where I used to log. There were a lot of petty discoveries.

If for one thing, the PLUS status was revoked, I was more than confused with my visitors and everything else on the site. I think PR did this to get more income aside from the occasional advertisements on the Visitors page. I still get a little discomforted with the removal of some portions of the site which gave me easier links for navigation.

Some of the guys I used to know there recognized my new account (maybe they wandered a little from their safe havens and decided to look around). They asked though if I was a poser because I had less profile views than my old account, which of course is due to the fact that I'm just around two weeks resurrected. Nevertheless, they still remember how witty I was and how easy I make a chat flow. A few asked to meet me (read: taste me *LOL*) again but I simply rejected because this comeback is not for the hookups. I'm waaaaaay past that level already.

There is a new feature, Grindr-like, that maps your location so that you can see who the nearest horny guys are. I find it very handy when I decided to sleep with one guy within 600 feet. Oh, did I say I'm waaaay past the hookups level? Yeah, because hookup is an understatement. Bwahaha.

I forgot where I placed my old profile text. I wanted to recycle it because filling out the details and the profile text is really a bit time consuming for me, considering that most users don't read profiles anymore. I'm actually surprised when one time, someone sent me a footprint saying "Nice profile!" then I asked him, which part of my profile is nice, the text or the pictures? He said the text. At that moment. I. WAS. REALLY. SURPRISED. With eyes like these: O.O

I'm overwhelmed by the number of visitors I have for the past three days, and the amount of messages which led me to this post. I can't of course taste them all so I made a habit of putting a template on my chats so I can quickly reply.

This time, I got a very catchy headline, reason probably why I got so many of those messages and views. I say, "Gusto ko ng kalaro". They all want to be my playmate.

9.03.2012 | 21:57

Local Celebrities

I easily become a fan, be it of a Facebook page or a sports team or even crazy teenage flicks [of porn stars, too!]. There is something in popularity that draws me to it.

Thanks to the internet, popularity seemed too easy to be achieved nowadays. Whether you upload a video on Youtube [or XTube LOL] or write with a certain charisma, then it's good to go.

There are other avenues, though, that weirdly gave me a certain focus to local popularity, and in turn, the celebrities in this area.

I always take an FX ride to work, and even before when I was still studying. FXs nowadays are equipped with a multi-way radio, like the Walkie-Talkie. It is interesting how they created a certain language that contained codes to inform other drivers of traffic situation. I've actually decoded these and I use them in sentences to be coherent with the meaning.

But what drew me closer to listening to these radio conversations is one driver with the codename Hampaslupa. His funny comments and cool voice is an instant hit. I see other passengers laugh when he's pulling up jokes on the radio. He is also smart because I can sense a certain educated might in his sentence construction [oh yeah]. A couple of weeks ago, I took his ride. I couldn't help myself but look at him every now and then because he is my type! LOL. I'm just kidding. I was dumbstruck, I focused on listening to his voice. He is deserving of entering my small list.

At work, we use a queueing system for our software jobs that needs the global license. In the Linux server, you can see the progress of the queue, and how many jobs were submitted and the user who submitted these jobs to the server. Two users got my attention, because I always see their names on the queue with hundreds of jobs everyday. Because of the delay they are causing due to priority, I couldn't help but be curious of who these guys are.

When I was testing one of my hardware jobs, I overheard one group leader talking to a certain person. "Migs, tapos ka na ba mag-simulate? Pinapatawag ka sa baba eh." That statement didn't pass my ears. I turned my head immediately to see who was addressed. He is slightly taller than me, and he is HAWT. Goodness, reason why I'm always excited when going to work, I see a lot of cute people. This guy is one of the people I always catch a glimpse of. I was starstruck this time. He looked better near me. Hahaha.

As for the other guy, I haven't seen him yet, maybe he's on a different floor but I'm looking forward to seeing him. :)

I don't know if some people find it weird, but admiring normal people and putting them in a celebrity status is a fun kind of thing for me. When the fan meets the celebrity, there is no greater joy. I was definitely blown away with these minute encounters. It makes my little world go round by expecting something and putting in pedestal the things that other people might overlook.

8.22.2012 | 23:40

The Power of Optimism

The day was normal apart from the partially cloudy skies foreboding a downpour. Nisan's assignment that day was to water the plants in the garden. However, with the other children seemingly less focused on their tasks, he was enticed to abandon.

The nuns were exceptionally different that day. He noticed that they were less talkative and they lost a certain appetite for rebuke. He thought that maybe, the gloom of the weather had something to contribute to it.

Or so he thought.

The superior was crying while talking to another nun. He tried to eavesdrop, negative as it may be but he has to know. News of his idol shot on an airport was worse than the weather.

It was supposed to be a day of liberation, a day of freedom. Sometimes, spirit is viral. When others weep, watchers become sensitive.

It could also be because, no one was strong enough to fight. No one had the courage to break through military leagues. Hope was gone.

But as a kid who knows all possibilities: who underestimates the value of failure; who treats bold moves with optimism; who expects even in the absence of something to hold on to; Nothing is over until it is over.

+++

From this point on, we will project Nisan's perspectives on that eleventh birthday, every twenty-second day of August.

22 August 2011 - A Champion of Words


Credits go to Dabo for illustrating a fraction a year ago.

8.19.2012 | 23:10

The Hard Rock

The eve of my 'new year' was the rainiest day in my existence. Hours prior to that, work was suspended, news of submerged areas inundated the television. If there was a manifestation of worse nightmares after the Ondoy benchmark, it was it.

It's the greatest mood killer there was.

By my scientific foresight, I deduced several conclusions to the rain-bringing monsoon, none of which was the inclusion of our area in the list of casualties. Just to scale a comparison, Ondoy didn't affect our place drastically.

When natural calamities mean the possible suspension of academic activities, it is the exact opposite in a workplace: The greater reason there is to go to work to compensate for a possible cripple in production. Personally, I didn't mind going to work on my birthday not because I was to receive a gift from our President, but because I COULD go to work. As I said in one of my tweets, it doesn't matter if I do triathlon just to reach the office. I'm that dedicated.

Reviewing the extent of damages as compared to the celebration that I would have felt better, I realized how lucky I was. I became an engineer this year. I got to show others that I was capable of being independent. I got two high-paying jobs (related to my profession), one after another. Friends that I can never be more thankful for. A family who's always been behind me. Just the right time to count my blessings.

Though I still long for material things and love, I may give up on those areas to date. For one, I don't know how to save money. I always spend it on food and a huge chunk goes to my family, too. As for love, nothing is closer to chills on the  spine. Expecting is always the wrong verb.

However unceremonial the transition was, it more importantly meant something personally. Age is just a number but with these numbers come anticipation and changes. Things that must always be for the better.

I see age as a hard rock. Something that deserves not much focus but one I must always be aware(weary) of.

Postscript: Thanks to the people who took time to please me in your own ways, big or small. Everything is appreciated. :)

8.05.2012 | 07:09

Epic and Emotional

Since its inception, I knew right away that being friends with you would be a dangerous path to tread on. We virtually talked for hours and days more than I talk to my ex boyfriends or anyone else I find interesting. If there was a comparison, you are the flagship product launching the newest Android OS in the market. You were always too high for me and I liked the way you held me gently, listened to me cry over the phone because of worthless guys and failed attempts on a relationship. You saw me try and you were always there to be the crying shoulder.

Days streched to weeks, weeks to months and our progress as friends remained like a transient power source, it is on for most of the time but glitches take us out of touch then, without forcing it, we reconnect stronger than before.

I like you very much. Sometimes, I felt that you liked me too, but you were too high and I can't believe that it would be possible. If ever it was so, I was afraid to lose that bond so I always stood miles away from the weird possibility of seeing myself with you.

I've always thought ahead of you, no matter how you say that I've too many grains to grind seconded with that familiar phrase "papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako" which clouds everything to dust. I knew that your tropa won't like me in as much as I think that you won't like me either and that adds up to the infinitesimal possibility of us being together, in spite of all the flirting that we did.

However, there was that one day when you took all the risk to tell me that you wanted to become my boyfriend. I was left in a state of shock for less than ten seconds. You smiled and I was never, more relieved to be blessed with a gentle and caring person like you.

We never worked out though. I knew at the beginning that things would be different with my attitude towards other guys and with the way you wanted to hold me at the neck. You are a jealous person, I kept on inking that to your chest through faded kissmarks. You took me away from that mainstream moment when nothing could ever brace me. I fell in love and it rocketed on a rocky surface. No amount of pleading would give you the pleasure and stimulus to forgive me.

Days passed and I hear you making side notes and anything sinister. When I confronted you, you told me it was nothing, that it ain't for me. Recently, I saw you talk to one of your colleagues over a stream and news snapped my heart.

Though as they say, all good things come with a price and for this matter, the price needed to be paid in cash. Yeah, we may have had that installment love affair which was fun if you ask me, but it is all over and I just hope that you do well with your new lover who I think is better than me in all aspects. He is a lucky guy to have you. I wish nothing but the best for you two.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

7.25.2012 | 21:34

Office Inspiration

Whenever my mind is blank, I always see you on the other side of my empty gaze. Sitting on an office chair, your back against me, I sense your might. You twist the chair to my direction, I see your grace. Fair of color, hair that bodes the beautiful face, expressive eyes innocent of my intent. His arms muscular enough to carry me. His lips of the right pinkish red tone so tempting, irresistible.

He snaps, I wake, ever ashamed. I may have been caught, absent the reasonable blabber: A favor from the gods that my tongue is of good practice.

Oh, inspiration in the work place indeed makes the job less stressful.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

7.07.2012 | 18:49

Trusting On Choices

Traffic was exceptionally heavy that morning. It somehow made every trivial thing of great value. I probably took notice of the stains on the seat cover, the overgrowth of grass in BGC, the difference between Toyota, Honda, and Lexus cars. Dot dot dot...

I passed out. You remember that teleserye moment wherein the lead actress has her eyes fixed on some indistinct point across the window. It was how I exactly wanted, and needed to look like. As if you feigned the whole world from putting you onto an envelope. Then cue for Regina Spektor's Samson.

Thoughts started to inundate my vacated consciousness, as if the moment to trance a ghost was present. The mind presented categories and ideas when the conscious had none. As far as I remember, I came to think of the things that I dared not to question myself for (again, like for the nth time). There were what ifs: What if it won't make things better for me? What if this is the wrong choice? What if?...

What if I trust me, and believe that at last, that I can make one good decision for myself?

The apparent answer is that there will always be choices and choosing will always be hard. I would eventually need to put firm judgment on my instincts someday. It would make me a man, not of honor necessarily, but of clear vision. I need to know where I'm heading. I need to put off unnecessary baggage and attachments.

***

There is a hunter at large.

I tried to remain open-minded. "It will not hurt a poor creature like me." However, it is in a hunter's game that desperate times need desperate measures ergo nothing is too small or too feeble. The strong prevail and the weak succumb.

Saving yourself must be your paramount concern. You will find escape, should you determine which path to choose.

***

The other day, I was drinking fizzed butterbeer in some small coffee shop around Gil Puyat. I remembered how a great army was formed over a mug of butterbeer on a cozy bar. Maybe, I just miss going out with friends because I put too much stress on my professional career. I forgot that there's another world waiting for me. Well, worlds don't necessarily just bump into each other, someone has to reach out. I can't wait to lie low on one thing and bring back some balance. Friends are our best armies against the unspoken cruelty of this flipped universe.

***

In this failed attempt to writing again, I must say that I've learned something from myself. I cannot pretend to become someone that ain't me. Or someone that someone else wants me to be for that matter. I cannot be dimwitted because I think a lot to the point of extruding foolishness. Now I really don't care if no one understands me, for they do not live to feed me, or see me off. It's somehow a position of strength and I want it to remain that way. Once you became susceptible and gullible, there presents a turning point -- like nature's offering of balance -- you just need to grab it and make the most out of it (or, leave it). You just need to trust on the way you've handled the chance.

No one else will make these choices for you. You need to make it for yourself anyway.

6.19.2012 | 23:17

Social Experiment

Seldom do I board a train but when I do, it is for a purpose. This specific trial is a sexual social experiment.


The scenario.

Eyes fixed on the target, pretending to yawn and moving away the gaze for a moment then seeing through the prospect.

Prospect looks around trying to filter the code. Deciphering takes a moment. Message received by the time the train arrives. He goes in first.

To be immediately followed behind. The trip is short so entrance counts a lot. A thrust with a hard on is enough.

He takes the handrail. You take the same handrail. He is in front of you. You are facing his behind.

The shaking of the train guises the earthly vibration. Target locked.

Target took the short underground route to grope the hard member with a shoulder bag as cover. Remember, every little detail like the right garb and the right movement at the right time must be noted. This will save you from other predators inside the same leg of the train.

Take off lightly. Mobile number (or on this case, I gave him my BB pin) written on a small paper can be conveniently slid in his pocket.


Ten fingers would be too much for my train escapades, but 80% of them had a happier ending. This time I'm in for no happy ending, just a tease. =)

6.11.2012 | 11:08

Maybe Sometimes

Love just ain't enough. I guess I've given so much effort already, but I keep on getting busted everytime I try to squeeze myself in.

6.06.2012 | 16:20

Kids

There is something in my being which draws me close to children -- a part of me that I cannot avoid or even figure out.

Two Sundays ago, after our service, we had a thanksgiving at the church and we stayed there for up to two more hours after lunch time. My sister and I were sitting on the corner when two kids started playing near us. I taught at Sunday School for kids below 12 and my special connection with the church children is undeniable. I was listening to the elders talking in the front portion in front of the altar when the boy started asking me questions.

"Anong laruan 'to?" he asked.

I pretended not to hear him then he started making papansin and the girl she was playing with joined him in winding me. I didn't like what they were doing so I stomped my feet with a little force to tell them passively that I'm an authority and I didn't want what they're doing.

The children stopped at once then my sister gave a comment: "Lapitin ka talaga ng mga bata ano?" but I shrugged the idea however obvious her observation was.

Yesternight, I had an eerie dream. I was in a roomy cabin with lots and lots of kids, boys and girls, many of them share an age bracket like 20 5-year olds, 15 4-year olds et cetera. They were playing, most of them oblivious of my presence. I was smiling at their energy, at their number when one girl, around three years old, came to me crying. She came to me, saying the words: "Daddy, daddy."

I immediately got off the bed. I tried to think of something logical. Maybe if I had collected my seeds or spent them on a woman I'd have that much children by now. I laughed and got scared at the idea the same time.

I love children. I always get their attention, even the snobbest or the most shy. In ten minutes they'd reach out to me, play with me, kiss me or hug me. There are several times when I get so frustrated wanting to embrace and carry the baby in our neighborhood.

Whenever I open my Facebook account, I see my highschool, elementary and college friends having pictures of their babies posted. There are times too when I think that I already want to have children.

But there are more times when I think of how to raise them than see them all make me happy. Children are responsibilities. I think I'm not yet ready for them.

6.05.2012 | 09:31

One-eyed (not blind) Items

There have been lots of chirps from my little birds. I might as well dispose some off. DISCLAIMER: I've minimized judgement and kept my own discretion from the information that I've obtained. I played around the words as my appreciation to the unsolicited chirps.

  1. This known pink blogger lives in the North. Let us call him Northman. Northman has a boyfriend from the West. They love hanging out in The Triangles of the North. Northman loves the guy from the West. The guy from the West loves Northman and another. Little does Northman know that the guy from the West is to be married. The girl wants to be a June bride. The guy from the West is best at keeping arrangements: five minutes from his date with Northman, he checks out the fiancee. Thus far, West guy has been successful in not making an unexpected intersection. ;)

    The question is, what will Northman do if this comes to his knowledge? With Northman's Aikiido credentials, it would be an understatement to expect West guy in crutches on the wedding day.

  2.  A guy from the Northern Islands is attached to someone from a city in the Islands Down Under. Their relationship, however romantic, is much like that of a cat and mouse. The man from Under likes the Northern guy very much. The Northern thinks that the guy from Down Under could be worth it, but is so promiscous he keeps lying about his sexual encounters to him. The Northern guy was seen thrice in a Red Keep near some Monument, with a different guy for each visit. Northman is proud to tell this to Another Northerner who can't keep his mouth shut either. The guy from Down Under thinks that Northerner is the most faithful guy he's ever been with but Another Northerner knows otherwise.

    In this particular city from the Islands Down Under, it would be unwise to work with fire at the birth of the year. The Northerner finds attraction to a certain animal. (Well, that could be a rooster, or a shuttlecock.)

  3. This one has declared himself good at his craft. His clients are amazed by his skills, and some would often want to keep on hiring him on a long-term endeavor. He said though that he is strictly project-based and is repulsed with the idea of an attachment. He says that monotony is bad for his skills, as well as for his business.

    One time, a scientist came to need his services. Scientist was able to acquire him at a GRAND prize. Grand and a half grand per hour. (Oh, I hope you count, they've stayed at the Scientist's Laboratory for ten hours.) Scientist said that he just used the skills but not the other thrills. Craftsman did his thing though while the Scientist watched with lush. When the craftsman was sleeping, the Scientist obtained a sample of the Craftsman's fruit of labor. As a scientist, he performed several tests in the laboratory and if there was a grading system for this, he could prove that the Craftsman is indeed good. He must get A+ which is very positive.

So much for now. Don't fret, my little birds are everywhere. This won't be the last.

5.29.2012 | 06:10

Redemption

Like spiky ice walls sprouting from the ground
Himalaya singing the deepest of  basses.

Might it come, might it not,
Clock is ticking, spook waiting.
And in the evening time,
There was light.

Above all frustrations, and
Countless speculations
Yonder he rises
Saying: "I'm back, bitches."



Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na comeback speech, free verse na lang. :p

4.21.2012 | 09:36

Tantrums

I used to feel special.

Do you know how many people would love to be with my company? Do you know how many of my friends say that I make them happy? Do you know how many people say they miss me?

You have no idea. Because you don't even ask.

What do you really know about me? Or, what do I really know about you? You don't even know my middle name.

Do you know how much I long for you? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how much I love you?

You have no idea. Because you don't ask. Because you don't even care.

You know how long it took us to have a mutual understanding before we officially became a couple? Three months at least. I can say we were better at that stage. You were sweeter at that stage. You make me think if it would still be like this fucked-up scenario had we not stepped up a notch, because...


I used to feel special.



But not anymore.

4.20.2012 | 09:40

Volition Wars

For the past two weeks of my life, there has been a constant battle of wills, tug of thoughts, roller coaster of emotions. Above all unspeakable truths and alienated intentions, the cogent analysis of my becoming can be compared to that of a losing war, minus the surrender of firearms and raising of a white flag.

By a certain methodology, my ways were significantly reduced to scant actuation. Its inception appears to be a disturbing aberration, because I always would take things down, discuss it with my subconscious and do something about it no matter how trivial.

Recent events accounted, a significant change had taken its worthy spot: A volition war is in effect.

Choosing between the things you like and the person who likes you is a difficult choice to make. The will may be the keystone in the arch of human achievement but nothing takes away the moral obligation to considerations. When a person gets a little nudge to maturity (which I believe is my case here), he learns that it is not always all about the things he wants. It now boils down to what is right and what is more beneficial.

Picking among invisible menus makes me thug like a faint heart. Hopeful, me would always believe that somewhere, there is a probability that the pick is correct. Because I chose you.

4.01.2012 | 23:15

Game of Clones

When I was introduced to this beautiful and epic series from HBO called Game of Thrones, I have never been the same. Me and my dorm mates would always talk about possible alliances from the different Lords and Houses (families) in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, as we unveil each episode a night. Yesterday we finally finished the first season and we unite with the world to see what the second season has for us.

This is not all about the series, as I find impeccable. I would like to use allusions and clones though to exercise the point of the write-up.

Winterfell. This is the homeland of the noblest House Stark. It is a city found in the North just below The Wall. After this board exam, I may have to return to our own Winterfell and do some duty that my Queen requires of me. I yet have to know which particular reason it is, all I know is that she has made her point and I'm expected to pass the exams and perform to her liking. Like a Knight in dispatch.

"Winter is coming". This is the motto of House Stark. It is summer but the weather is as unpredictable as a lady's mood. Most of my plans for the season are put to an indefinite hold and only time will tell how long this summer will ever catch up. It is also a restatement of the worst is yet to come.

A sigil. This could be an animal or thing which represents a House, as emblem. The image of the sigil is placed on a banner whenever a House is on quest or war. My sigil is a tower (to those who could understand why) and all my present work must sum up for me to embody the sigil. When I become the engineer that his Grace and Queen wanted me to be, I shall be the tower, the stronghold and the representative. I must not fail them.

The Wall. It is an ice fortification several leagues north of Winterfell which is 300 miles in stretch and 800 feet in height. The Wall is the protection of the realm (how they refer the Kingdoms as) from the wildings on the other side. It is also a place of isolation and training. I consider this boarding house as my Wall. Here, I hone my abilities that will prepare me for what could be out there in the open. This isolation from the outside is my first, I surmise there is no better thing to do than to embrace the fact that I am a prisoner of the wall.

The Night's Watch. A brotherhood based on the foot of The Wall, The Night's Watch are the people concerned in protecting the realm from the creatures outside the wall. They are also known as the black brothers and their brotherhood by oath is a duty which must not be deserted. I have found several brothers on my way, some in this Wall, others somewhere else. I'm grateful for these people because they were there for me when others weren't, on my most testing times and we will be together in victory.

Dothraki. The Dothraki is a race of people in Essos, a continent across the Narrow Sea east of Westeros. Rather barbaric and nomad, they spell a huge difference from people inhabiting the free lands. I've had my share of Dothraki encounters in the past and just recently, in a place I have so not expected, called Twitter. Well another bird told me to take down the default picture so I can avoid these, but to no avail. Dothraki are a vicious race and they act on impulse. All I have is to exercise understanding and deviation.

The Iron Throne. Situated in the Red Keep (castle) at the capital city King's Landing, this throne is made out of a thousand melted swords from the enemies of the first king, Aegon the Conqueror. The Throne is a symbol for inherited glory. Since the start of our review, I have always performed well in our exams. I even feel very confident of my standing, given that if our center is a sample of the whole exam-taking population, then my status in the population is in the positive edge. The Throne is closer to me than it appears. I may have rivals to the glory but it is still a long way, winter is coming.

+++

I once wrote a fiction book about kings and political families, similar to this Song of Fire and Ice story but in an entirely different time frame bordering modern and traditional. The affinity I'm showing to the books by George R. R. Martin is explainable. Sometimes, I stop reading or watching because it gets too real in my mind that I can't think of anything else but it. It is a good read for someone who is looking for a parallel universe.

+++

Nameday. This is the book's term for birthday. April 6, 2011 was the day when Green Breaking broke into the blogosphere. This Friday is this blog's first Nameday. I'm thankful for everything that this blog has taught and won for me. I can never express how grateful I am for the things that I have gained (and lost). It was a learning experience. I may not be the best blogger there is but you people showed me that care and concern which does not fit me. From the bottom of my hypothalamus, thank you very much.

3.23.2012 | 00:46

Detriment Diaries

Today I thought that being with a guy I barely knew would make me feel happy. I skipped my review class for there was something missing that morning. Orange juice, or the butter on the toast was unsalted? There was no way to figure it out.

We shopped some clothes and made out in the fitting room. Ate lunch, discussed matters.. It was then that I realized how the person lacked intellect. I was half thinking if we should pursue the movie; we watched anyway. He got really annoying because he wanted to hold my hand when I'm trying to encompass all the details while comparing it to the book. I gave him a smack which should have been enough for his silence yet he continued budging. I gave in to his request.

In truth, I have never felt lonelier than early today. Surviving from a deuce will never be my thing. There is always a wonder how I get conned when I know my capabilities well, when I know the capacity of my defenses.

Yet, without flicker, the sweet words gnaw my shield and corrode me.

Which leaves me the loser.

I never give someone more that six hours of my time if the person ain't worth it. Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I never really learn when it comes to trusting people in general. They befriend me, thus providing a room for more skeezy attempts, like taking things a notch higher. When matters get crowded, they just leave me like crap. Not even having a single damn about looking back, no respect to how I disclaimed the reversion to friendship should the step up conk out.

Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I'm the dumbest person when it comes to this arena. I present myself as the kingpin so when the ball goes rolling, I'm on the frontline of it. Having yourself reminded of the mistakes you made is not a happy advent, but a mordant.

When I think of those happy times, it makes me realize, how come trivial things always become the reason?

I just want something real in my life. I'm tired of these fancy things happening around me..

3.15.2012 | 17:06

Are You Asleep?

Well, who's on his right mind that would ask this question to a sleeping person? For me, though, this question is very logical if sent on the right time (read: after 11pm).

It was the last month of my ninth semester in college. We were busy arranging the project at school because it was bulky and we had to use the machinery at the Mechanical Engineering section of our college, so all the time after classes had to be devoted to it. Our deadline is a week from that time and we never really have the manpower to make things faster, so we spend our time in the school until the guards order us to leave. Common uwian time is quarter to ten and I would reach our home by 11.

One night, while I was homebound, five blocks away, I received a text message from one of the people who got my number in my online account. He asked me, "Are you asleep? :)" like yeah. There's a smiley right there. I put off my earphones, and had this little smile at the corner of my lips. That's my favorite expression whenever something nasty's cooking up. I tried to tidy myself and sprayed some pampalibog. LOL

I texted him when I reached their gate because I wouldn't want to wake half of their house if I rang the doorbell. I saw him open the door and I immediately recognized him by the light of the moon (oo, full moon talaga nun hindi ako nagbibiro). He's the guy that I always see with his teammates playing in the common basketball court. He doesn't have the OMG looks unlike his cutie captain but what I want with my guys are the muscled arms and chest. This guy has it. He was only wearing jersey shorts and he placed his shoulder around me while we were walking inside.

We were in the sofa. I didn't want to waste any moment because it was already late, but he's faster. He unbuttoned my polo and in excitement, one button fired away and went missing. While he was working with my top, I removed my belt and pants, until all I was wearing were only my briefs and socks.

He aggressively licked my torso and nipples while I was playing with his manhood. The guy was watching porn in a laptop before I came there and it probably explained his precum. I jacked him off while he was spreading saliva all over my tummy. I hated how he made me very horny by biting my dick inside the underwear. I became impatient and I slid my junior at the side of the briefs. He nursed my cock and sucked like it had milk as a cow's breast. He sucked like a first timer, and I took him away from his passionate sipping and gave him a quick kiss in the ears. I told him to do better and that's how I knew he was imitating the guy on the video. His copycat skills are fair enough to please me, and I understood him because I'm not good in cocksucking, too.

When he got tired of sucking, I begged off for my turn and we jacked using the other's hand. Cool. He messed in his tummy and I came in his chest. He took time wiping away the juices. It made me horny seeing him with cum all over. I had an erection, though I hushed it by wearing back my pants.

When we both finished what we were supposed to do, I told him to just accompany me to the gate, because he insisted on going with me to our house. Our house knows no sin. I wanted it to remain that way.

3.11.2012 | 22:23

New Guy

Around a month ago, the caretakers of this apartment were replaced by the relatives of the owner. All of them are good looking -- the pair (lovely couple) and the brother of the girl. A hot hot borta who always likes to go up and down the building, topless. Hihi. First time we were introduced to them by the owner was over wine. Yes sosyal dito sa building namin 'pag welcome merong wine na nalalaman. Ching!

On my mind, I always refer to him as "kuya" so let that be carried on in this write-up. Kuya is mid twenty-ish, is fair skinned and has a tattoo of a name (I never intended to examine it, but it's a name of a girl yata) at the back of his muscled arm. Buffed up man.

My fascination of him started the first day after they moved in. It was early morning, I was to buy breakfast and I saw him, topless, cleaning the corridors and stairs with a wet mop. Good grace, if that's the first thing you see in the morning you'd be thrilled not to repeat it. Well, for my case. *boner alert* LOL

A couple of weeks after, those hot nights, I wasn't able to sleep on our lights off time, so I decided to go upstairs, to the rooftop, to get some air and bore myself to sleepiness. Went there and completely forgot of the CCTVs that were generously placed in the corners of the building. It was past midnight, and I could have cared less. When, alas, I felt the slowing down of my system, it was time to go down and sleep. I was half-thinking when... I saw him. He was on his way to the rooftop. I saw him from the top flight of the stairs and he was on the base. My mind was too slow to pay him any attention or anything that I just went past him without greeting. When we've passed each other, he called me.

Oi.

I stopped dead. He called me.

"Joe, diba? Matutulog ka na?"

And my mind went racing. He wanted to start a conversation.

"Opo, medyo masakit na po ang mata ko eh," I told him, sheepishly.

He stepped back, and with a swift movement, he cornered me in his arms. Damn. It was one of those crazy kilig scenes in Koreanovelas. LOL.

"I always see you looking," he told me.

"Maganda kasi ang muscles mo, nakakainggit," I told him honestly though with a little hesitation. Remember my brain is half-working. My hand went to his chest. "Dito, ang galing ng work out mo."

"Pero bakit sa utong ka lang nakahawak?" he inquisitively asked. "Bading ka ba?"

I was out of my mind, my hands were working on their own accord. I couldn't account for the subconscious. I just said, "Oo, may problema ba?"

"Wala." And his word was a trigger, I kissed his ears and smelled his hair.. Hmmm. It was poison to the blood. His smell alone made me feel horny. There was a tiny smile at the corner of my lips while they were moving from ears to the neck, neck to shoulder, shoulder to pits. I just needed to repeat to myself that he smells good. Probably went on a night shower, which gave me the impression that this was planned. Yeah, he saw me through the CCTV.

I could not let his nipples wait any longer. My fetish. It was so irresistible. I needed to move my tongue over it. Did it with pleasure and kuya was delirious. Left, to right. Licking is my forte. The tongue slid smoothly to the abs. It lingered in the treasure trail for a while.

Finally I was able to remove his shorts. I've been dreaming of that moment for roughly three weeks. The actuality of it seemed surreal which it is. Thoughts of it annealed my body some nights and that scene was the apex. No, not yet, but we're about to reach that.

His dick was already throbbing after I've stripped his bottom wear. It was pointing at my face.  I teased by licking the head and pinching the shaft with my thumb and forefinger to create tension. I didn't grab it yet. I wanted him to be at his hardest.

Then, I slowly tried to put it in my mouth. I was around three fourths the length when I've realized my limit. I'm not a good cocksucker. I thought to have disappointed him but his moans were enough to back me up. It gave me the ticket to know that I was doing a good job.

My tongue was playing with his shaft while it was inside my mouth. I was getting the drill. I tried to swallow but I can't, because it didn't feel good in the throat. But he gasped whenever I went deeper. He told me that he wanted to come in my mouth. Kuya was master. I licked his balls, his hips, and back to the hard member. I tried to keep a memory of his manhood: the size, the girth and of how it tasted. Ecstasy, it was, for it was my first this year. Hard and juicy. Just the way I liked it.

"Lapit na a--" he said, but even before he finished "ako", my mouth was already warm with his cum. I tried to contain all of it until I was able to spit it in the plant box near the terrace. I didn't intend to taste it, but it was sweet. I discarded the few left in my mouth, wiped off the substance in my lips.

I said thanks and I expressed my longing to sleep.

But when I was about to open the door, he took me by the hips...

3.06.2012 | 22:48

Drown Me With Promises

Promises that you assure yourself of are most often like an infertile fig tree -- it won't bring any fruit.

Sometime, it gets all tiring. Because unfruitful causes are exhausting, and it just rips your vigor out. For the past months, I've always told myself, start studying, stop being a bitch, avoid your phone as much as possible, deactivate the Twitter account blah blah et cetera. Then days stretched to weeks and weeks to months with what? Nothing accomplished. Then I start disappointing myself.

Not that I wanted to drown myself with these empty promises but I think someone I've talked to over the phone gave me a recoil. Like that of a fired rifle. He named names which we both knew back in college and told me how they knew their habits well, how devoted they were to studying, albeit the intelligence and the confidence.

Then I started looking at meself: You are a dumbass book-smart person. You be asked anything related to your course and you'll give the answer in a mo. You passed and topped the center's diagnostic exams you've studied for half-asleep. In college, you crammed assignments and still got grades three notches higher than those who pulled up some effort. But you can easily chuck that out of the way because you're a slimy slothful scum who doesn't want to study. The one people curse because of being so effortless and easy.

However, these situations arise and make me feel timid, for the time is so ho hum, could have been arid at worst, almost (well, okay most of the time) not tickling my fancy. Promises notwithstanding, I can't coerce myself to choke in barren filth just so that I can flatter someone else's adroitness. Worse, I can't find my own.

My affiance not betray me, my assent not escape me, I surmise in the faintest of hopes that this time, I won't be dumb(er)ass crazy to screw it. A month of sacrifice must be worth it.

3.05.2012 | 22:31

Oo na, Martir na Ako

Kapag martir ka, lahat tinatago mo. Gusto mo siya, pero dahil sa dahilang 'di mo alam, sa sarili mo na lang. Para lang umiwas sa mga isyu lalo na kung paborito ng bayan ang tsimis ng buhay mo.

Nakikita mo siya na may kasamang iba, habang ikaw, pasimple na lang na lumalayo at kunwari walang nakita. Pero dahil martir ka nga, titignan mo pa rin sila.. Kahit na ang gusto mo ay sana ikaw na lang ang kasama niya.

Masakit talaga. Ganyan ang pagmamahal eh. To love is to hurt. Things may be impossible but still there is hope because there is something that you keep on holding onto until that something makes you hurt. Bad side is, lalong habang sumasakit, lalo mo pa siyang minamahal. Tangina, malas nga naman.

Kahit pa niloloko ka na, at pinapaasa, bilang isang martir ay kunwaring pipi at bulag na walang narinig at nakita.

Sa mata ng iba, hindi affected.. Pero pag-uwi sa bahay, anong meron? Sa sulok, hihikbi at luluha na lang,  habang walang nakakakita at nakakaalam.

Someone would notice, eventually. At tatanungin ka, hanggang saan ba ang kaya mong gawin para ipaglaban ang pag-ibig na yan? Lahat gagawin ko! Yan ang sagot. Pero ngayon, nasaan na ang lakas ng loob na iyon?

"Dadaanin ko na lang sa iyak. Lilipas din ito."

Nabasa ko sa isang tweet, wala naman daw nakakahiya in professing your feelings for someone. Being in love is a gift. It is a good thing. Ano nga namang nakakahiya, eh mahal mo siya? Ano ang nakakahiya sa isang bagay na hindi naman kasalanan? Nagmamahal lang ako. Ngunit, sa maling tao.

Every teardrop and pain contributes to a deeper connection which would eventually be difficult to dodge.

Sabi ng iba magtira naman daw para sa sarili. Magtira? Sino sila para diktahan ako? Kaya nga nagmamahal dahil mahal mo rin ang sarili mo at gusto mong lumigaya kasama ng taong mahal mo, hindi ba?

Mapagbiro ang tadhana. Kung sino pa ang nagmamahal ng totoo, yun pa ang nagdudusa sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya nilang ipadama. Wala naman sa kanila ang problema, kung hindi sa taong mahal nila..

Minsan, magagalit ka sa kanya. Pero ilang minuto lang, siya na naman ang nasa isip mo. Babalik at babalik ulit sa kanya. Ilang beses mo man i-deny sa sarili mo, wala kang magagawa. Bihag ka niya.

Lagi na lang kapakanan niya. Pero ako kaya, naiisip niya? Ang sakit isipin na ang taong mahal mo, walang pakialam sa iyo.

Pero ganito naman talaga ang martir. Walang bakit? Paano? Sino? Ano? Ang meron lang,

Mahal na mahal ko siya. Kahit ang sakit sakit na.

2.23.2012 | 20:53

A Precursor

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them."
- Albert Einstein

Scientific as it seems, limits talk about specific territories and boundaries in space which ought to be ruled over and not overtaken.

From scientific to sociological, what limits bind a certain relationship? Should there really be rules? If so, which must govern them: the free will or morality?

2.21.2012 | 06:25

Slapping meself

Pointless. Why am I basking in the afterglow of some romantic spark? I get it.

Now is simply not the time. Everything is just too early, and too good to be true.



Joe, you can do better than to expect. :)

2.20.2012 | 00:21

The Awakening

There are seven billion people in this world. A probability of finding one person exactly is less than 1 millionth of a percent. What reason should keep me from finding you, given that you exist?

+++

I woke up from a bad dream... really a bad, bad dream: A hooded serial killer was holding some sort of meat cleaver in his left hand. He was chasing me though a tight space of leaves and twigs and branches of some old tree in a twilit forest. His hood taken off, I saw his bloodlust. He was cunning. I was as cunning to save myself.

Equally negating his vulpine subtlety, I mustered all the strength that would allow me to copy some callid ninja moves in an old Chinese action movie. However, his agile legs are undeniably faster. Just as I thought, it was only a matter of time. He caught up on me. We wrestled. I tried to remove the cleaver from his grip but the more I deflected it, the more he pointed it on me. In desperation, I kicked his crotch. It was enough to cripple him for a few minutes. It bought me some time.

Mikail!

He called my name. His voice resounded in the vastness of the dark, woods. There was no clear source, because I lost track of direction in the aim to rid of him from my sight.

I will hunt you down!

The source appeared to be nearer this time. Panic strikes. Composure lost.

"Face me weaponless, you coward!" I screamed. I was crying. I never expected this.

+++

One over seven billion is a ridiculous chance that I was willing to wait for. Impossible was the word to beat.

But fate cracked my code. I found him. Seven months ago, we were a match made in heaven (some would coin). I must have thought of it as a bad omen, for it was too good to be true.

+++

Seven months from that point, he wants to kill me. I want to kill him in equal measure. Everytime though, when I think that I have the courage to put the dagger in his neck, it breaks me to pieces. It ruins me hundredfold. How can I ever destroy the man who believed me, who was with me in my lowest of lows? He rescued me from a lot of difficult instances. He fulfilled my fantasies...

I woke up sobbing, pillows wet. Dreams are reflections of the reality that my conscious would be ashamed to reveal, yet my subconscious wants to expose. Perhaps, in the convergence of partial truths and partial imaginations, there lies the answer.

I still love him even if it hurts me.

2.08.2012 | 14:46

I'm Tired


Of this setup.
Of you.

I'm tired waiting for your calls to come. I'm tired waiting for the LED on my Blackberry to turn red. I'm tired of the games that we have tried to play.

The day you said that you love me was the happiest I've become after college. You never knew how sober I was, trying to escape the problems that have been chasing me. You were my rest. You were a refuge.

And now, rain starts pouring through you. The safest place I thought is now getting me unprotected. I don't want that.

I'm sorry, but I think...


I must leave you.

2.01.2012 | 00:55

Notes


In no particular chronology

+++

He came late in one of our PowerPoint sessions. Five people in half a row, we're not in speaking terms and he is last to fill.

Him to me: pre, trapik sa LRT.

He chose to explain only to me. He smiles then with this really small dimple on the right cheek. He sits in my left. He chews a gum.

+++

I was sleepy and I've already read the things that were flashing on the projector on some book. I leaned my head on the armchair.

Him: Don't sleep.
Me: Sleep with me. (OMG. Realized that it didn't go well. Was supposed to mean, 'sabayan mo akong matulog'. Crap.)

+++

He always chews a gum.

Me: Para kang kambing.

The next day...
He's not chewing anything na. Ayaw niya ata ma-turn off ako sa kanya. Chauz.

+++

Imaginary conversation
Him: I always see you looking.
Me: You won't catch me if you weren't looking, too.

+++

No jackets are allowed in the review room. I came late and I saw him inclined forward with folded arms due to the cold temperature. I wanted to hug him because I'm hot. (see, I just got in the room. My temperature is technically higher than his.) Ugh. Fail.

+++

He's so cute in a white shirt. I dunno.

+++

I saw a classmate sitting in the other half of the row so I sat beside the classmate. He saw me get in and I think he wondered why I didn't sit beside him, on the supposed seating arrangement. (Medyo maraming absent that day kaya may vacant seats)

The next day, I was expecting him to sit next to me but he didn't. Gumaganti ang loko. Nagselos agad. Hmp.

+++

Due to boredom in repeated Powerpoints, I've developed several habits like doing Naruto technique hand seals and the like.

The next day, ginagaya na niya ako.

+++

The first time that I've noticed him is the time na nabuburyong na kami sa pino-project sa harapan. Instead of sitting with my back sa sandalan, I moved a little forward and did a Ninoy with my elbow on the armchair. Ginaya niya ako. Since medyo masikip at magkakalapit ang upuan, naiilang ako sa kanya. So I sat up staright at sumandal. Ginaya niya ulit ako. Then inulit ko yung ginawa ko nung una. Ginaya na naman niya ako.

I took a glance.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, buti na lang at medyo cute siya.

(Repeat this scenario twenty times)

+++

What is with that small dimple! Ugh. And the smile. Punyeta.

+++

Inextend ko ang paa ko, kasi parang nangalay. Inextend din niya ang paa niya. Tinabi niya yung hita niya sa hita ko. Papansin talaga.

+++

Me: I like your pants.
Him: Ganda ba pre?
Tumango lang ako.
(Me: I like you better without them. Charot!)

+++

By the way, he is straight. Ilusyonada lang aketch. Hihi. Di rin kami gaano nag-uusap. Minsan lang. Seatmates lang kami. :D

Pero may 'term of endearment' siya saken. Pare. Pre. Pag nakikipag-usap siya sakin, kinikilig ako. Hahahaha.


OKAY. No more notes.

1.26.2012 | 17:13

A Date With a 'fan', Again

Two personal mails reached my inbox since the first day of this year. One of them's from a guy named Eric. He told me he is my 'fan'. He asked if he could take me out on a date. I told him he's all fast, plus facts that should dissuade him and his plan. He wasn't moved at all, which tells something about his intentions.

This part is most romantic: the day that we met. He went to our dormitory unexpectedly. He didn't know where to park (shit, why will I have to always deal with the parking problems of my dates?), so he texted me that he was on the spot, then asked for help on where to put his big toy. I told him to wait for a couple of minutes as I reach the street. I shooed him from the driver's seat and I drove to P. Noval and back for some space. He maintained an awkward gaze while I was maneuvering. Goodness, he is a looker! The fair twink type. I died. LOL

He instinctively knew that there was no one else in the room. All my roommates had to go somewhere, so I let him in. We talked for some thirty-ish and I stripped in front of him, changed garb and we were off to somewhere.

It was a wonderful day, he made good use of the small time that I spared for him. I didn't regret missing some five hours of review time, really.

One of the worst things about me is that I easily fall for traps. Lately, I've exercised a certain repulsion to save myself. Yes, I did it to Eric. This will probably explain my silence, boy.

+++

My basic rule is 'Never expect anything'. Let any whatever come, just don't expect a thing from me and I won't expect anything from you, too. I'm very fragile to be situated in crazy contraptions. I become weird. Yeah, spell Emma Kurtzman in the movie No Strings Attached. Pero shet lang, kung kasing hot lang din naman ni Ashton Kutcher eh why not di ba? Hahahaha

+++

I'm learning, slowly, the art of abstinence. Like YEAH. My last was last year. A large chunck of my time has several allotments now, the productive kind.

With the examinations season approaching, there is no room to being lukewarm. There may be less than 10 books that I still need to read and understand by heart. I'm quite disappointed with my progress, it's like I should be on some level now when I'm actually three echelons down. Last week, my eyes were bloodshot. Lack of sleep and too much reading, perhaps. However, such effort is not yet enough. Not yet.

The only thing that I'm looking forward to is my El Nido trip, which is exactly right after the boards, and the job offer in a shipline company down South. See you, friends, very soon. I can't wait to marry with the Queen City for a short term of two years or so.

Have a great weekend, folks. Thanks for taking time to read. :)

1.14.2012 | 20:33

Long Hair?

Inception was on the anti-boredom section a couple of days ago. Ordered Caramel Frappe and large fries. Realized that there was no understanding on what the hell the movie meant. Watched it three times, twice on Trinoma, those movie dates. Finally, sugar livened my brain so I knew that it was a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. Four levels. Goodness, whoever thought of the concept was brilliant, however, as a student of science, I can't help but notice contradictions in the weird physics. But that is an entirely different discussion.

When the mind is clouded with too much activity and information, we (my dorm-mates and I) watch a movie. Momentum's lost. Does it happen to everyone? Review left a big big effect on me. Lost weight. Pimples (ugh). Lots of hair! Yeah. Hair. Then, you start incorporating statics, dynamics and electromagnetism in everything.

I tripped. Explanation: The frictional force of the floor was too strong to be countered by the vector sum of my forward motion, my mass multiplied by the acceleration due to gravity and the normal force on the tiles. Gah, imagine six people talking like that every minute of six days in a week. We don't seem to get tired. Until last week. I started feeling lazy. Lights on my head from Vegas to blackout.

The hair. One instructor told us that the previous reviewers had fun of hair superstitions. They wouldn't cut it, believing that the terms, formula and solutions would stay in these keratins. Last week, I shaved my beard. I think I'd buy that hair-thing, too. I'm still thinking though if I'd have a haircut tomorrow. Gosh.

I wonder if it's just because I'm so gay that I see a lot of cute guys around our place. I'm inclined to men with big arms, twinks, and tall fair guys. For all heavens sake, there is a confinement of these types in the area! Psh. I can't concentrate.

1.08.2012 | 23:18

Beyond Death


How do you know if it makes a difference?

Recent events accounted, a smashing modification was forced to make effect. Several puts it on a list as antisocial. Most persist, the move is synoptic to death. I believe so...

+++

The day I buried it, I promised to never look back. No matter how difficult the struggle was. Ahead of me is a greater war -- a tug of thoughts, a battle of wills. The future remains certainly uncertain. The adversary has eight arms to cripple. There is no other choice but to rid of weights, put down unnecessary packages and sacrifice ideals which could integrate to a cloudy survival. Every percentage of sureness is tantamount to triumph, and must be encouraged, even if it means separation.

The way everyone looks at me is less important. Who are they to evaluate and pass judgment? Months from now, they will eat their tongues. They will succumb to shame. For the moment, I will pretend not to hear. I will pretend not to see. I will pretend not to understand. Nothing can hurt me.

And I ask again, how do you know if it makes a difference? Perhaps the best answer is, when you do not ask yourself why.

1.05.2012 | 18:55

Wrappers

In a religion which believes that December 25 is a Pagan celebration of Jupiter, Sun God's birthday, the date is just like any other.

As kids, before fully discovering what things on the religion meant, we did celebrate Christmas. Sunny days these were -- parties and games. The worldly fun was subtracted of the supposed meaning. Perhaps the only things that reflected the substance were the opening prayer and exchanging of gifts.

Sunday was a grand celebration at the church. I learned that there were some sort of exchange gift portion for the kids. The activity started after lunch. Gifts of different colors can be seen at the center of the gathered children. A flashback of happy memories streamed like a torrent of liquid euphoria: There is some sort of gladness on seeing gifts, and excitement to know the contents of the wrapped bundle. No matter how big or small (of course, anticipation for the large packages are greater) these were, making the kids smile for one moment is priceless.

I asked my kumare that I'd bail on my godson's gift for the moment. I'd get back after the kid's birthday, leaving her some amount for supplies.

+++

I gave my boy a condom.

"What is this?" he asked.

"That is just the wrapper," and there was no second telling what the present was.

+++

Happy New Year!

Unquote Joe

Most of the time, tact is not for the intelligent. It takes a great deal of 'being there' to realize that something else is going on.
+++
Albeit Greatness speaks of an effort-filled voyage, the shortest trail en route is the way down.

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