6.13.2011 | 00:52

The Last First Day Anxiety

After nine semesters and one summer session in college, tomorrow, I will finally face my last first day under graduation.

I will, for the last time, be going from Ortigas to the other end of Edsa for me to get to school. I will, for the last time, curse my alarm for betraying me. I will, for the last time, take the long path to the Engineering building with great stress. I will, for the last time, treat the library as a refuge should lazy afternoons come. I will, for the last time, swipe my ID card or try bailing on the security guard in cases I'd forget it. I will, for the last time, eat in a school canteen. I will, for the last time, write down notes for the benefit of exams. I will, for the last time, feel anxious about knowing new faces and be eaten alive by the greatness of what is ahead of me.

I still remember, though not vividly, my first day in college. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that I was smarter than any other student in that classroom. I may have failed UPCAT but I passed ACET with great grades. In that UPCAT vs ACET thing, they say ACET is harder. I had that fact sitting side-by-side my technical pencil, T-square, tracing tube, Algebra and Trigonometry textbooks, and what-not.

The first exams came. The professor calls the names from the person who got the highest score and so on. "Mr. Joe Green Breaker?" the fat professor asked. I stood with eyes transfixed on the paper she was holding, and neck up tight. I was proud of myself. The professor said, "You are the second one, in fifteen years, who got my first exam for Algebra perfectly." The classroom gave out small gasps and I got furtive looks. The professor tapped me in the right shoulder. "We need members for the Math Geeks, I would love to see your face in the tambayan later."

As sudden as that, I would be called Einstein when I pass the lobby and the corridors. I'd hear people whispering. I'm a celebrity. No, not yet. Until we get the scores from Trigonometry, English, and Chemistry. I never knew such a position; I was never the best in high school. I was always behind the shadows of my brighter classmates.

Four years later, I gained a cool group of friends. The prettiest lady in my course, the richest, the other cool geeks, the best DotA players. We boded well. It was a bullying group. I enjoyed the position.

Later, I knew how to skip classes. Play billiards, computer games, drink just before a major exam, flirt with anyone who would show equal attention. Vegan spirit consumed me. I had to pull myself together before all that I was investing on were gone.

And the tragedy came. I was struck with psychological distress after knowing that my grades suffered. I was so depressed. I did not eat for two days. I never left my room. I disconnected myself from my friends. I cursed myself for it was me who brought myself into that situation. I was not supposed to blame anyone else.

Two semesters ago, and I'm back on track. Unfortunately, the Latin Honor which I was aiming is now far from my grasp. I cursed the high grade requirement for the lowest Latin Honor Cum Laude, 1.41-1.60. Even if I get all straight A+s I ill be 0.04 points short. YES! LIFE SUCKS! 1.64. Fuck.

Even if I shoot trajectories of efficient projectiles, I will still be an asymptote to the Honor: so close, yet, repelling.

I will forever regret my extravagance. The times when I should have done projectiles in my Physics class and not on anyone's bed, a different one every night. The times when I became the prodigal Math geek. The times when I slept on my final exams in Integral Calculus, Differential Equations and Electronics 1.


The most that I can do now is enjoy my tenth and last semester. Those bitter moments will be a scar of remembrance. I learned a lot from those experiences. They were humbling and life-changing. As look back, I saw how Joe came past transitioning from a self-satisfying brat to a concerned and mature individual. I believe, All Is Well That Ends Well. I will end this semester wearing the black academic regalia with an orange lace -- proud and with an insurmountable amount of gladness in my heart. This is because, I have successfully got through the highest highs and the lowest lows of college. College made me a better person. College will contain my greatest social treasures. It will always be worth a walk back.

25 comments:

  1. A lesson from someone a decade older than you: The best things you remember in college are not the grades but the ones you did outside the classroom.

    Argh! pinaalala mo sa akin yung time na nagroadtrip kami tapos yung nagdri-drive ng kotse eh nag-drift sa harap ng jeep sa Tayuman. Hehehe.

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  2. i agree with mugen, the best lessons in school are the lessons outside the classroom. :)

    congrats bff! this is it! :)

    GOOD LUCK GEEK! :D

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  3. Wow!! You're a whiz kid!

    Truth. As they've said.. the best lessons in life are not learned within the four corners of a classroom. Experience is the best teacher..

    I don't like my college years. I was a rebel.. hehe. Like you, I did some...uhm.. things. I prefer to remember and reminisce my high school days.

    Congratulations sa imo! :)

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  4. green_breaker6/13/11, 8:26 AM

    Mugen: thanks, KUYA! haha. naging kuya bigla. ang daredevil lang ng experience niyo. meron din akong ganyan kaya lang medyo mahabang kwento. :D

    bespren: salamat bff, i will do my best in this one. at, hindi ako geek, Grade-Conscious lang!!! hahaha :D

    Leah: salamat uy, haha, lami kaayo balikan ang mga experience sa college. :) bat naman HS lang? for sure may mga magandang nangyari din naman sa college mo.

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  5. i had the same, .04 short to obtain an honor.. but nevertheless, was still happy that after having all the fun, i still managed to be somewhat, a good student.. hihi..

    okies lang yan,, at least, u've experienced and seen something of worth in your life..

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  6. congrats!!!! atleast u've learned how to stand up again and finish the race!

    san mo gusto ng treat?hahaha

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  7. wow.. nowsblid lang.. pero nakayanan kong magbasa.. wow... whiz kid ka pala... galing!!!

    talino naman a math geek.. :D

    ------

    sayang naman nagbulakbol ka.. pero oks lang yun at least nakapag-explore ka.. at me natutunan ka sa buhay... galing...

    congrats teh!!!! :D mabuhay ka!!!!

    good luck po sayo aym sure malayo mararating mo at aym sure pogi magiging boypren mo lols :D

    joke!!!! :P

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  8. this made me remember my college days. happiest years of my life. i still visit the campus once in a while.

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  9. halimaw ka.. heheh :)),

    gud luk sa last senior year.

    enjoy, live, laugh and love....

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  10. WOW! You're tough. Good luck and Congratulations GB!

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  11. First time here on your page! and Congrats! :D College life is very challenging and fun. I agree to the first comment. We learn a lot outside the classroom. :)

    btw, I am your new follower hope you will visit my page and follow. have a nice day!

    iamjool.blogspot.com

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  12. congrats! though studies talaga ang priority dapat sa college, you also live and learn life's lessons along the way. you may have your downs but at least you've learned lessons from it and as you proved, it wasn't late to strive and change for the better. you did good, so congrats ulit! pat in the butt! haha :)

    ako din biktima ng high grade requirement, ending ko ay special academic awardee. oks na din :)

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  13. Trust me, Mugen is right. Congratulation papi.

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  14. Wow. I wish to go the same way with your academic path, the untwisted one though. :)

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  15. Una sa lahat salamat sa comments. You know not how much I value what you guys have to say.


    ceiboh: wow, pareho pala tayo.. ayun, ang sad lang noh? haist. sayang ang napaghirapan..

    egg: sana nga pogi ang next boypren ko! hahaha, ang landi landi ko lang. lol

    Sean: hear hear! I feel the same way even if it has led me to some failures..

    pong: salamat.. I know that you know the feeling of pressure na nararamdaman ko rin right now..

    Bien: cool, salamat.. I appreciate it.

    Jool: thanks for the visit and for your take on my college stint. lol. 'm gonna follow you back.

    zaizai: taaaammaaaaa! ang galing. patang guidance counselor lang! hehe. I appreciate what you said zai. I know that those lessons were worth learning, kaysa naman later in life ko pa yun matutunan. thank you.

    houseboi: salamat papi. oo nga tama nga si Kuya Mugen. :)

    james: kaya mo yan noh, basta magsikap ka lang. gogogo. if you need help sa math anditey lang akiz. lol

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  16. mac: talagang huli ka. haha. seryoso ba yan? haha. okay na saken kahit dine out lang. lol. basta di kasama boypren mo. baka magmukha kasi akong third wheel! or pwede magsama ka ng pangdate saken. haha

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  17. Bumalik! hehe..

    Yeah, meron naman mga magagandang sandali (naks) nung college ako.. pero mas madami ang mga maling nagawa. Hekhek.. If I have a time machine, I'd definitely go back to HS. Gradeschool, even.. so that I could rewrite my "college history"..

    Ah.. don't mind me. I have lots of issues. LOL.

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  18. Geeks are hot. And math geek, at that. I want you. chorls.

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  19. what matters now is how you perform after you graduate...sabi nga ng first boss ko, sa lahat ng natutunan mo nung college, 10% lang dun ang mai-aapply mo, the rest matututnan mo sa work...tama nga ba? ah ewan, basta kudos!!! lolz

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  20. kudos to you green!nasabi na nila lahat eh. i hope your dreams take you to where you want to! :D

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  21. Awesome brilliant mind dude.. Galing galing!

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  22. hehe member kasi ako ng guidance club noong high school. no prob! good luck sa last sem sa school ha :)

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  23. ay panalo! last sem nah!!! gogogo! ako? ayoko nang alalahanin yung 5th year 2nd sem ko... stressful! hihi!!

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  24. Leah: Ay, mao ba? Nindot man pud ng naa kay mga experience na ingaon ana sa college.

    Cindy: taralets! hahaha. :D

    Christian: Salamat! :) Naapreciate ko yan.. Malalaman ko rin yun pagka-grad ko.. :)

    Kiro: Thanks brad. I hope that will come true. And thanks for always being there.

    Tim: nyahah, di naman masyado..

    Zai: salamat ulit ah.

    Wil: ahaha. thank you.. lahat naman tayo may share ng worst sems. buti saken tapos na at enjoy itong last. hihi :) thanks for following pala..

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  25. Great blog!
    new follower here! Hope you check out my blog,
    if you like it follow me back..hihi..

    Thank you
    Diane
    http://whatsrealityallabout.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

so... what's your take on it?

Unquote Joe

Most of the time, tact is not for the intelligent. It takes a great deal of 'being there' to realize that something else is going on.
+++
Albeit Greatness speaks of an effort-filled voyage, the shortest trail en route is the way down.

The Tweet-ter

Follow me @green_breaker

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