The Midnight Affair

Chapter One: The Awakening

I never thought that Dianne and I would get married. Bago pa man maging kami, our relationship as lovers probably was the toughest. We fight like cats over where to dine (more like forcing the other to decide) or even on the simplest matter of saying our goodbyes that never really end.

I would almost be as ashamed to mention that when we were still teenagers, I'd always get bullied because of my physique. Guys would continue to talk to her despite the fact that we are holding hands, like they don't even notice me. Yung ibang tao kinikilig pag nakakakita ng cute couples. Well, we are not that perfect fit.

Langit siya. She has an angelic face, the "opo, Ma" type that boys would always want to wind for attention. I didn't know how we ended up together.

Oh, yeah. I remember. Dahil lagi na lang akong natutukso, I keep away from them bullies everytime na bakante ang schedule ko. I go to the library. Alam kong walang pumupunta masyado dun. I enjoy the company of books and the cobwebs that cover the (abandoned) bookshelves. One time, hindi ko inaasahan na may tao na pala sa likod ko. That was Dianne. She looked at me eerily. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. No, she didn't look, she examined me. Yun pala, I caught some cobweb on my nose. Damn, akala ko hahalikan niya ako. Feeling ko lang pala yon. Pero kinabahan ako ng sobra na hindi ko maintindihan. From then on I started stalking her. Maybe, just to catch that feeling again.

She may have noticed me. Pero siguro dahil mabait lang talaga siya, she started a conversation. A conversation after another. Isa yun sa mga naging dahilan kung bakit na-ban kami ng dalawang buwan sa library. We just had so many things to talk about.

Minsan pauwi na ako. Then out of nowhere, bigla na lang kasabay ko siya papalabas ng school gate. "Sabay tayo," sabi niya. Napangiti ako at palihim na nagdasal na sana wala munang jeep na dumating. Pero malas, may dumaan. Sa jeep, bigla na lang siyang sumandal sa balikat ko. I don't know why she did that. But it felt nice. I felt the need to keep her head comfortable hanggang sa makababa siya.

At ang sandal sandal, nauwi sa holding hands, sa halikan. Siya ang una ko at ako ang una niya. Ang sarap ng labi niya. Parang hindi ko kayang tigilan. Madalas nag-iinit ang pakiramdam ko at gusto ko siyang hawakan sa iba pang bahagi ng katawan niya pero nakokonsensya ako pag gumagalaw na rin ang kamay niya. Pakiramdam ko hindi tama ang ginagawa namin sa edad namin.

Lumipas ang mga araw at nakarating sa mga kuya niya ang mga balita tungkol sa amin. Bunso si Dianne. Naturally, her brothers would feel protective of her. Inutusan ako ng kuya Lexi niya na pumunta sa bahay nila kung seryoso talaga ako sa kapatid niya. Nanliit ako sa sarili ko nung makita ko ang mga kuya ni Dianne. They are the people you would not - ever - want to cross. The muscled builts and towering stance would always get me stapled on their sofa. They were not really that nice but they tried. Pero pag nawawala ng sandali si Dianne, I would always see Lexi looking at me in an unfriendly way. Like he was scaling me and thinking that I'm someone who doesn't deserve his sister.

That was eight years ago.

Dumaan ako sa isang matinding, sabihin na nating makeover. Pinilit ko na mag-mukhang boyfriend material, yung tipong hindi na tutuksuhin. Kapag nakikita na kami ni Dianne noon, we always hear compliments like "Ang cute niyo naman tignan pag magkasama" or, "Bagay na bagay kayo." Nagkaroon ako ng confidence.

After college, I decided to join an architectural firm. Si Dianne naman, sa isang accounting office sa may Makati nagtatrabaho. Nagpapatayo ako ng bahay para sa aming dalawa simula noong maisipan naming magpakasal. After two years sa trabaho ko, nakapag-ipon na ako ng sapat para doon. Pansamantala, sa bahay nila ako nakatira. Our family moved to Laguna when I started going to college. Uwian pa rin ako so her dad suggested na dun na lang muna ako sa kanila para makatipid daw ako. Anyway, may tiwala na sila sa amin at sa isang bubong na rin naman kami papunta ng anak nila. Kung sa akin lang, kaya ko mag-drive araw araw papunta sa Laguna. Pero gusto ko rin maranasan na mahiwalay sa pamilya ko, para na rin sanayin ang sarili ko.

I found the setup to be extremely beneficial. Halos lagi kami magkasama kaya ang mga balakin namin para sa kasal ay naiplano ng maayos. Pagkatapos naming magpakasal ay nag-leave kami upang mag-honeymoon sa isang isla sa Pacific Ocean. Napakasaya ng mga sandaling iyon. Believe it or not, that was the first time that we had sex. It was liberating. Parang bagong bahagi na naman ng relasyon namin ang nadiskubre namin.

Pagbalik sa Pinas ay napakaraming nagtatanong kung kelan kami magkakaanak. Inaasahan na sa dalawang buwan ay makakalipat na kami sa Makati, sa aming bagong bahay. Hindi muna namin binalak ang baby dahil hindi pa kami nakakalipat at hindi pa replenished ang bank accounts namin matapos ang mga gastos. Tuwang tuwa na sa akin ngayon ang pamilya ni Dianne at maging ang mga magulang ko. Maging ako ay natutuwa. Malaking accomplishment na ang mga nagawa namin thus far.

+++

Isang restday, Dianne went shopping with her friends. May sale daw sa isang malaking mall sa North Ave. Dahil hindi ako fan ng walang kamatayang pagsunod sa isang babae habang namimili, I declined to go with her. I opted to watch the TV and slouch. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog pala ako sa sofa. Maalinsangan ang hangin. I was halfway thinking na sumunod sa mall but the amount of people will put me on an eyestrain. Nagulat ako na nakita ko si kuya JB sa upuan na katapat ng sofa. Nakatingin siya sa akin. Nahiya ako dahil sofa nga pala ang hinihigaan ko. Masakit ang ulo ko dahil naalimpungatan lang ako at dala na rin ng init ng panahon.

"Sorry kuya, here, take a seat, I'll go upstairs," sabi ko.

"It's okay Mike. Mukhang pagod ka. I was looking at you because you don't look like yourself."

"What do you mean, kuya?" I'm puzzled.

"You look stressed. Na-try mo na ba magpa-masahe? Effective daw yun sabi ni kuya Lexi," he said, taking the remote from the coffee table.

"No, di ko yan susubukan. Not after what I've heard nung mag-inuman kayo last week," depensa ko.

"Crazy thinking, hindi 'yun' ang sinasabi ko. The legit massage," he said.

I shrugged and went upstairs with my one eye closed. Nung maramdaman ko na may kama, agad akong nag-dive at natulog.

Nagising ako when I heard someone shuffling the drawers. My drawers.

"Sino yan?" I asked. Padilim na at hindi nakabukas ang ilaw.

"JB. I was getting some underwear," he said.

It was very odd. Si kuya JB, kukuha ng underwear sa drawers ko?

"By the way in case you're wondering, you are sleeping in my room. Mukha kang zombie nung umakyat ka at hindi na ako nagtaka na nandito ka."

"Sorry kuya!" Nagmadali akong ayusin ang sarili ko pero binuksan ni kuya ang ilaw. Nakita ko siyang nakatapis lang ng tuwalya. He's soaked, water was dripping from his hair, from his chin, from his chest...

Stop. It was crazy na tinitignan ko ang pagbaba ng mga patak ng tubig sa katawan ni kuya JB. But it was enjoyable. But it was not proper.

"Ayos ka lang, bro?" Tanong niya. "Kwarto ko to. Can you just move to your room, magbibihis na ako eh," he said.

I thought he noticed. Kinusot ko ang mata ko and involuntarily, kinambyo ko ang alaga ko while walking away. It was so hard. I looked at him kung nakita niya yung ginawa ko. Napangisi si kuya. Nakaramdam ako ng hiya.

"Normal lang yan bro. Sige na dun mo na sa kwarto mo yan palambutin," he laughed.

Embarrassed, I left his room in a couple of seconds.

I thought over what I just saw and felt. I couldn't get my memory off his body. It was close to perfect. I never saw him that near before.

+++

Roughly four years ago I started working out. After classes, diretso na ako sa gym pagkauwi. You know this idea na meron kang isang body type na gustong ma-achieve after those strenuous sessions. I was thinking of kuya JB.

No, it was like an obsession. My mantra "gusto ko maging kasing built ni kuya JB" turned overly repetitive but it was effective. In less than four months I've achieved what I really wanted.

Pero sadya yata talagang hindi ako marunong makuntento. Even if the gym people tell me na I got nice chest, abs, biceps and all that, I still work-out for eighteen hours a week . One time, medyo late na ako nag-start dahil I had to finish reading before hitting the bars. Kahit na sobrang pagod, may sense of fulfillment lalo na kapag nalalagpasan mo ang quota mo sa sarili mo. I took a shower and went to the locker rooms but it was slightly open. I could hear a guy moaning from the ajar door. Out of curiosity, I slowed down my movements and tried if I could see them.

"Wag kang umungol, baka may makarinig sayo," sabi nung isang lalaki.

"Alas diyes na, wala ng tao dito. Kantutin mo pa ko, please.." sabi naman nung lalaking umuungol kanina. Nakita ko na nakatuwad siya at tinitira ng isa pang lalaki. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakikita ko.

Isang lalaki na kinakantot ng isa pang lalaki. Wala silang bahid ng kahinhinan. The idea was so repulsive but as I see them in front of me, unaware of my presence, it made me feel curious. And horny.

"Shit ang sikip mo, puta ka, ito ang bagay sa iyo," at binayo niya ng mabilis ang lalaking nakaluhod. Nakilala ko siya. Siya ang instructor ko.

Shit, sa isip isip ko. Kaya pala madalas ko siyang mararamdaman na parang sobra na sa hawak ang nagagawa niya. Sadya pala yun.

May mga narinig akong paparating, nag-uusap sila. Narinig din ito ng dalawang nagtitirahan at naalerto sila. Pumunta ako pabalik sa mga showers. Kinabahan ako para sa kanila. Tinagalan ko ang pagligo hanggang sa may kumatok na upang sabihan na magsasara na ang gym. Doon lang ako napalagay na wala na akong aabutan sa locker room.

+++

Gaya ng nangyari sa gym, di ako mapalagay. Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, iba. Wala akong nakitang nagniniig. Nakita ko lang ang bayaw ko na nakahubo ng pang-itaas. Pero nakapagtataka na mas masidhi ang nararamdaman kong libog. Gusto ko himurin ang katawan niya.

At ngayon ko lang nalaman.

Hindi lang pala inggit ang nararamdaman ko noon kay kuya JB.

Ako ay nagnanasa.

Dilemma in District One

The train started to accelerate. We moved through a dark patch off to a wide river when I was temporarily isolated from reality. Finally, I am to leave District Two.

After heaving a sigh of relief (and numerous metal fences) we've reached District One. There is nothing remarkable in this place: The yellow and blue colors present in the city's square are the same hues that flood the eyes. I asked my sister if she brought the things on my list. She nodded while prodding her small bag.

I saw the bread inside her leather case but I resisted the urge to take it. The day is surely going to be long and we do not want to die of starvation in an unfamiliar place. Water sufficed, though it has to be used properly, too. Ahead of us is a stretchy journey than what we might have expected.

I closed my eyes. I felt the soft breeze brush my face and take my worries away.

We have the complete requirements, like proofs of residency and identification cards. Surely, the elections officer will permit our transfer.

That was what transpired, thank goodness.


PS: I hope I fooled a few of you to think that this was a vignette with The Hunger Games in mind. LOL

Epic and Emotional

Since its inception, I knew right away that being friends with you would be a dangerous path to tread on. We virtually talked for hours and days more than I talk to my ex boyfriends or anyone else I find interesting. If there was a comparison, you are the flagship product launching the newest Android OS in the market. You were always too high for me and I liked the way you held me gently, listened to me cry over the phone because of worthless guys and failed attempts on a relationship. You saw me try and you were always there to be the crying shoulder.

Days streched to weeks, weeks to months and our progress as friends remained like a transient power source, it is on for most of the time but glitches take us out of touch then, without forcing it, we reconnect stronger than before.

I like you very much. Sometimes, I felt that you liked me too, but you were too high and I can't believe that it would be possible. If ever it was so, I was afraid to lose that bond so I always stood miles away from the weird possibility of seeing myself with you.

I've always thought ahead of you, no matter how you say that I've too many grains to grind seconded with that familiar phrase "papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako" which clouds everything to dust. I knew that your tropa won't like me in as much as I think that you won't like me either and that adds up to the infinitesimal possibility of us being together, in spite of all the flirting that we did.

However, there was that one day when you took all the risk to tell me that you wanted to become my boyfriend. I was left in a state of shock for less than ten seconds. You smiled and I was never, more relieved to be blessed with a gentle and caring person like you.

We never worked out though. I knew at the beginning that things would be different with my attitude towards other guys and with the way you wanted to hold me at the neck. You are a jealous person, I kept on inking that to your chest through faded kissmarks. You took me away from that mainstream moment when nothing could ever brace me. I fell in love and it rocketed on a rocky surface. No amount of pleading would give you the pleasure and stimulus to forgive me.

Days passed and I hear you making side notes and anything sinister. When I confronted you, you told me it was nothing, that it ain't for me. Recently, I saw you talk to one of your colleagues over a stream and news snapped my heart.

Though as they say, all good things come with a price and for this matter, the price needed to be paid in cash. Yeah, we may have had that installment love affair which was fun if you ask me, but it is all over and I just hope that you do well with your new lover who I think is better than me in all aspects. He is a lucky guy to have you. I wish nothing but the best for you two.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Detriment Diaries

Today I thought that being with a guy I barely knew would make me feel happy. I skipped my review class for there was something missing that morning. Orange juice, or the butter on the toast was unsalted? There was no way to figure it out.

We shopped some clothes and made out in the fitting room. Ate lunch, discussed matters.. It was then that I realized how the person lacked intellect. I was half thinking if we should pursue the movie; we watched anyway. He got really annoying because he wanted to hold my hand when I'm trying to encompass all the details while comparing it to the book. I gave him a smack which should have been enough for his silence yet he continued budging. I gave in to his request.

In truth, I have never felt lonelier than early today. Surviving from a deuce will never be my thing. There is always a wonder how I get conned when I know my capabilities well, when I know the capacity of my defenses.

Yet, without flicker, the sweet words gnaw my shield and corrode me.

Which leaves me the loser.

I never give someone more that six hours of my time if the person ain't worth it. Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I never really learn when it comes to trusting people in general. They befriend me, thus providing a room for more skeezy attempts, like taking things a notch higher. When matters get crowded, they just leave me like crap. Not even having a single damn about looking back, no respect to how I disclaimed the reversion to friendship should the step up conk out.

Whatever this another experience told me, it is that I'm the dumbest person when it comes to this arena. I present myself as the kingpin so when the ball goes rolling, I'm on the frontline of it. Having yourself reminded of the mistakes you made is not a happy advent, but a mordant.

When I think of those happy times, it makes me realize, how come trivial things always become the reason?

I just want something real in my life. I'm tired of these fancy things happening around me..

Are You Asleep?

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New Guy

Around a month ago, the caretakers of this apartment were replaced by the relatives of the owner. All of them are good looking -- the pair (lovely couple) and the brother of the girl. A hot hot borta who always likes to go up and down the building, topless. Hihi. First time we were introduced to them by the owner was over wine. Yes sosyal dito sa building namin 'pag welcome merong wine na nalalaman. Ching!

On my mind, I always refer to him as "kuya" so let that be carried on in this write-up. Kuya is mid twenty-ish, is fair skinned and has a tattoo of a name (I never intended to examine it, but it's a name of a girl yata) at the back of his muscled arm. Buffed up man.

My fascination of him started the first day after they moved in. It was early morning, I was to buy breakfast and I saw him, topless, cleaning the corridors and stairs with a wet mop. Good grace, if that's the first thing you see in the morning you'd be thrilled not to repeat it. Well, for my case. *boner alert* LOL

A couple of weeks after, those hot nights, I wasn't able to sleep on our lights off time, so I decided to go upstairs, to the rooftop, to get some air and bore myself to sleepiness. Went there and completely forgot of the CCTVs that were generously placed in the corners of the building. It was past midnight, and I could have cared less. When, alas, I felt the slowing down of my system, it was time to go down and sleep. I was half-thinking when... I saw him. He was on his way to the rooftop. I saw him from the top flight of the stairs and he was on the base. My mind was too slow to pay him any attention or anything that I just went past him without greeting. When we've passed each other, he called me.

Oi.

I stopped dead. He called me.

"Joe, diba? Matutulog ka na?"

And my mind went racing. He wanted to start a conversation.

"Opo, medyo masakit na po ang mata ko eh," I told him, sheepishly.

He stepped back, and with a swift movement, he cornered me in his arms. Damn. It was one of those crazy kilig scenes in Koreanovelas. LOL.

"I always see you looking," he told me.

"Maganda kasi ang muscles mo, nakakainggit," I told him honestly though with a little hesitation. Remember my brain is half-working. My hand went to his chest. "Dito, ang galing ng work out mo."

"Pero bakit sa utong ka lang nakahawak?" he inquisitively asked. "Bading ka ba?"

I was out of my mind, my hands were working on their own accord. I couldn't account for the subconscious. I just said, "Oo, may problema ba?"

"Wala." And his word was a trigger, I kissed his ears and smelled his hair.. Hmmm. It was poison to the blood. His smell alone made me feel horny. There was a tiny smile at the corner of my lips while they were moving from ears to the neck, neck to shoulder, shoulder to pits. I just needed to repeat to myself that he smells good. Probably went on a night shower, which gave me the impression that this was planned. Yeah, he saw me through the CCTV.

I could not let his nipples wait any longer. My fetish. It was so irresistible. I needed to move my tongue over it. Did it with pleasure and kuya was delirious. Left, to right. Licking is my forte. The tongue slid smoothly to the abs. It lingered in the treasure trail for a while.

Finally I was able to remove his shorts. I've been dreaming of that moment for roughly three weeks. The actuality of it seemed surreal which it is. Thoughts of it annealed my body some nights and that scene was the apex. No, not yet, but we're about to reach that.

His dick was already throbbing after I've stripped his bottom wear. It was pointing at my face.  I teased by licking the head and pinching the shaft with my thumb and forefinger to create tension. I didn't grab it yet. I wanted him to be at his hardest.

Then, I slowly tried to put it in my mouth. I was around three fourths the length when I've realized my limit. I'm not a good cocksucker. I thought to have disappointed him but his moans were enough to back me up. It gave me the ticket to know that I was doing a good job.

My tongue was playing with his shaft while it was inside my mouth. I was getting the drill. I tried to swallow but I can't, because it didn't feel good in the throat. But he gasped whenever I went deeper. He told me that he wanted to come in my mouth. Kuya was master. I licked his balls, his hips, and back to the hard member. I tried to keep a memory of his manhood: the size, the girth and of how it tasted. Ecstasy, it was, for it was my first this year. Hard and juicy. Just the way I liked it.

"Lapit na a--" he said, but even before he finished "ako", my mouth was already warm with his cum. I tried to contain all of it until I was able to spit it in the plant box near the terrace. I didn't intend to taste it, but it was sweet. I discarded the few left in my mouth, wiped off the substance in my lips.

I said thanks and I expressed my longing to sleep.

But when I was about to open the door, he took me by the hips...

Drown Me With Promises

Promises that you assure yourself of are most often like an infertile fig tree -- it won't bring any fruit.

Sometime, it gets all tiring. Because unfruitful causes are exhausting, and it just rips your vigor out. For the past months, I've always told myself, start studying, stop being a bitch, avoid your phone as much as possible, deactivate the Twitter account blah blah et cetera. Then days stretched to weeks and weeks to months with what? Nothing accomplished. Then I start disappointing myself.

Not that I wanted to drown myself with these empty promises but I think someone I've talked to over the phone gave me a recoil. Like that of a fired rifle. He named names which we both knew back in college and told me how they knew their habits well, how devoted they were to studying, albeit the intelligence and the confidence.

Then I started looking at meself: You are a dumbass book-smart person. You be asked anything related to your course and you'll give the answer in a mo. You passed and topped the center's diagnostic exams you've studied for half-asleep. In college, you crammed assignments and still got grades three notches higher than those who pulled up some effort. But you can easily chuck that out of the way because you're a slimy slothful scum who doesn't want to study. The one people curse because of being so effortless and easy.

However, these situations arise and make me feel timid, for the time is so ho hum, could have been arid at worst, almost (well, okay most of the time) not tickling my fancy. Promises notwithstanding, I can't coerce myself to choke in barren filth just so that I can flatter someone else's adroitness. Worse, I can't find my own.

My affiance not betray me, my assent not escape me, I surmise in the faintest of hopes that this time, I won't be dumb(er)ass crazy to screw it. A month of sacrifice must be worth it.

I'm Tired

Of this setup.

Of you.

I'm tired waiting for your calls to come. I'm tired waiting for the LED on my Blackberry to turn red. I'm tired of the games that we have tried to play.

The day you said that you love me was the happiest I've become after college. You never knew how sober I was, trying to escape the problems that have been chasing me. You were my rest. You were a refuge.

And now, rain starts pouring through you. The safest place I thought is now getting me unprotected. I don't want that.

I'm sorry, but I think...


I must leave you.

Wrappers

In a religion which believes that December 25 is a Pagan celebration of Jupiter, Sun God's birthday, the date is just like any other.

As kids, before fully discovering what things on the religion meant, we did celebrate Christmas. Sunny days these were -- parties and games. The worldly fun was subtracted of the supposed meaning. Perhaps the only things that reflected the substance were the opening prayer and exchanging of gifts.

Sunday was a grand celebration at the church. I learned that there were some sort of exchange gift portion for the kids. The activity started after lunch. Gifts of different colors can be seen at the center of the gathered children. A flashback of happy memories streamed like a torrent of liquid euphoria: There is some sort of gladness on seeing gifts, and excitement to know the contents of the wrapped bundle. No matter how big or small (of course, anticipation for the large packages are greater) these were, making the kids smile for one moment is priceless.

I asked my kumare that I'd bail on my godson's gift for the moment. I'd get back after the kid's birthday, leaving her some amount for supplies.

+++

I gave my boy a condom.

"What is this?" he asked.

"That is just the wrapper," and there was no second telling what the present was.

+++

Happy New Year!