However, there are several unique times when I am subject to agony: vulnerable, helpless.
Break my trust, and you must know how to earn its toll.
For the past two weeks after the breakup with James, I have been on some entanglement. Yes, call me a slut and label me with nouns, no problem. I trusted very few people with this information, and one of them is Concerned Citizen No. 3 (CC3), numbering with the order of precedence in knowing. I trusted CC3 for the hope that he will discern any need for advice imperative to me.
I was not disappointed for he performed the task well. I even felt vindicated with my little adventure but he was not supportive. I understood: he wanted me to work out the remaining usable form of connection that James and I still have, and convert it back to our old ways.
A few days passed and he befriended the guy pursuing me. This act was most weird. I mean, why would he do it? Doesn't he have enough friends? There were subliminal doubts, but being the me who finds justice in every deed, I interpreted this as a move of getting closer to both of us, to know more things, to understand the nature of the complexity.
I was wrong. He is a con artist at the peak of his career.
I intentionally didn't talk to him about Twitter Guy (TG) for the following days when one day, he excitedly told me on how TG and him are doing some flirting and that TG could be really sweet and caring. I tried to extract as much information so I could work on how to deal with them bastards, but CC3 apparently felt that I was not on the mood with all his TMI and resorted to telling me to have a good night. As if that would make my night? Well, it did make my night.
All along, TG has been telling me feel-good stuff like he really, really liked me and he wanted me to become his boyfriend. I was always aware of that idea but I kept it on the side since having another boyfriend without the three-month spaceout would consume me with fire like wood dipped in gasoline. I remained happy with the way he openly expressed his thoughts and with the assurance the he gave me on his feelings, how unswayed he is, and how he would want to pursue his emotional urges on me.
Then all of a sudden, I felt guilty for James. I remember talking to another Concerned Citizen, the No.1. He told me to suspend my hospitality to these expressions because it will not look good if I get dragged again in just a short period of time after a breakup. So I decided to tell TG via a DM to divert his feelings to other people who deserved it, and let me be, without explaining anything.
His first expression, surprisingly, was not defiant, given all his honesty on expressing how he liked me. He said that even if he did not understand, he will do my request. However, he kept on sending me SMSs. I found this act, again, most weird. I thought that he would leave me after the things I told him. Like a fly roving around a piece of meat, he was still there, intent. He was looking for me. I was muttering, what the hell?
I sent him a text message asking how things are doing. He reaffirmed his feelings on me, but something holds him back, which I guess was referring to my indefinite statement on the DM. I felt that the time was ripe to tell him the story, on how CCs told me to be fair to James and take at least three months before engaging in another relationship or affair. He gave me a series of random vomits like "Well... Shit..." and "Oh, fuck, yeah..." and "How could I have been so stupid...". I thought that it was all about a fact that he was supposed to know which he is now reminded of. Later, I knew why he reacted eerily.
We continued talking and there he was with his flattery, again. I was half-expecting him to stay with me for that span. He assured me that he will use the time to get closer to me and that our status was suspended in the middle of lovers and friends. He pledged for taking one guy at a time, and that guy was me. TG said all of that. I was glad to ascertain his remarks and I guess as human, there is nothing bad in investing a little of my emotional connections to this man. He is very honest with his heartbeat spikes and anyone would be just stone-hearted to ignore these declarations. Both of us decided to use the intervening time to make the other feel special.
Night came and CC3 frantically announced that he received a proposal from another guy but he turned it down because he is already taken. Oh, so after all the things that he promised to tell me, this one did not reach me. He told me that they, he and his boyfriend, will tell me when I am ready. The statement was beyond every oddity on earth. How will I not be ready to know something?
Like a light bulb, understanding dawned on me. The previous text messages. The way he described TG. Everything. I was able to tie the loose ends, but I needed solid evidence. Impenetrability.
I knew of a catalyst which will give me an immediate product to the chemical reaction. I used this on TG, and it was effective. He confirmed his connections with CC3. Crap has it, my blood pressure doubled in an instant.
I didn't reply because I can't even comprehend the words. I was thinking of crying but there was nothing to cry at. The body has became ash and as fast as that, I have tried to shut them off from my life, no matter how they explain. There can be nothing more grave than this. I felt conspired at, ridiculed. I felt helpless. This is the first time that I encountered this experience, and I learned a lot from it. I was in pain. I was thinking: Will there be something beyond pain, that can be much hurtful? Will it be death? How painful will it become if it is the most agonizing?
They could admit to be stupid and sorry for all they want, the hell I care. But how can one be sorry if he knew exactly what he was doing? To me, there is nothing to talk about. Let the heavens be my judge. I hope the next time I give my trust to people, I'd know them first. I was very disappointed with how these two educated bitches acted. Clearly, graduating from college is not an assurance that we learn moral values and have integrity on our words.
I curse you CC3 and TG with infertility. May you have a miserable relationship and life in sum. May your bodies rot in hell. Should you regret, forget about it. You have done enough damage and when the trusted gets busted, there is simply no way of mending.
Okay, back to regular programming.