6.18.2011 | 19:40

The Man I Became

Inadvertently, I was beating the bass drum with the drumstick. He beckoned me so I can take glimpse of the sliding motion with the stick's head. Having two drum sets in the house is technically noisy and incommodious. He was sweating, he asked my youngest sibling to fetch a towel while still making invisible half-notes in the air. My father never had a proper music class training but I admire how he learned to write notes for his drum rips.

"Okay, ganito yan Joe, lalagyan mo ng friction para magawa mo yung tunog pero bago ka mag-half note itatas mo na yung stick kasi nagva-vibrate pa yung string sa baba, kaya may tunog pa rin. Subukan mo," then he would beat my stick so I could tap out just in time. "Yon! Nakuha mo, sige ulitin mo yan hanggang mag-chorus, tapos 'yung dalawang tom tapos yung cymbals sa kanan."

He is a perfectionist. He should be, after working for almost ten bands in more than twenty years. Being the only son, he wanted me to follow his track. I needed to learn how to play the violin, piano, drums, saxophone, lead and bass guitars.

A consequence of his job is to be abroad most of the time. According to my Psychology professor, the absence of an older male figure in a boy's early years paves way to the boy's attraction to other boys. Attention was pivotal to gender accountability. This is how I became. It was, probably, because of him.

I never deprive him of the right to be lauded, though. He is my greatest music mentor. He worked for us to live decently. He never lacked for our provisions. He is the best man that I know. To me, he is the greatest drummer. He is the second best provider, next to Him. He is my father.

We barely speak for the past years. Maybe, because I don't know what else to say whether on the phone or at home. We were never tie-close. In the course of time maybe he too, noticed that I was dodging conversations with him. To me there was little to talk about.  I always admire those cool father-son relationships I see on TV, wishing I also have that to brag. I always had hope that we will reach a point when both of us will engage in a conversation not relating to music or school, to give us a tighter bond. He is getting older and so am I. But these never materialized. There are what-ifs.

There are a few ocassions wherein I could have told him this but there is a brevity in the courage of my tongue to release the words. Words which might have been the only thing that he needs to hear to weaken our differences, if not erase them:.

I love you, Pa.

19 comments:

  1. Awww. I'm hoping your relationship improves soon. :D

    Happy Father's day to all the dads! :)

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  2. Pardon me from refraining to comment on the main subject although this is definitely a good read.
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    However, I would comment on this part:

    "Okay, ganito yan Joe, lalagyan mo ng friction para magawa mo yung tunog pero bago ka mag-half note itatas mo na yung stick kasi nagva-vibrate pa yung string sa baba, kaya may tunog pa rin. Subukan mo,"
    .
    .
    I wish I have a teacher like your dad in drums. Drums and violin - man, they gave me real hard-time back in high school...whew!

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  3. I hope for that to happen. Thanks, and Happy Father's Day, too.

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  4. DB: thanks for finding this a good read. haha.

    btw. marunong ka rin pala mag-drums. cool.. :) yup, i wish my music teacher had his patience.

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  5. Siguro hindi pa ngayon ang time para mag bond tlga kayo ng tatay mo.. but yes, saying those lovely words could really help.. Malay mo nga, hinihintay lang din nyang sabihin mo sa kanya yun..

    You obviously love your dad.. Why not tell him that? :) Words are powerful.

    Happy Father's Day to your dad.. and to all the fathers out there. :)

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  6. awwww... may pagkaphysics yung pagtuturo nya. hihi!!! hafi pudaks day!

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  7. true. growing up without a father figure most often leads to homosexuality. i can sooo relate. :)

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  8. @green we have the father that we have. subukan mo kayang ayains a inuman tatay mo? :P
    made me think of my dad (who's right across the table) medyo dysfunctional yung relationship namin from outsider's standpoint but then it molded me and reinforced my belief in being treated fairly

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  9. A hug will suffice. Say it with affection.

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  10. first off...Happy Father's Day to your Pa!
    You're still lucky GB you have a father. How I wish I could have one but sadly I have never met my father.
    Siguro darating din yung araw na makakapag-usap kayo ng masinsinan other than yung usual ninyong pinag-uusapan. Still, I am happy for you though.
    Have a great Sunday!

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  11. there was a point I was like that towards my pa, na I try to avoid any moment of conversation, pero I guess now that I grew older, I share his point of views and I can now speak to him effortlessly. It will happen eventually :)

    Happy fathers day to your papa! :)

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  12. Nako maraming makakarelate sa iyo dude. Hope your relationship grows stronger..

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  13. Hayyysss... natuwa ako dun sa part na tinuturuan ka ng drums ng papa mo.... at kahit pano me bonding kayo nun bata ka pa..

    kasi kame ng dad ko never kame nagkaroon ng bonding... kasi sa lola at tita ako lumaki.... kaya siguro naging ganito rin ako.. because of feminine environment na din sgro....

    hope sana magbonding kayo soon.. kahit sa ngayon paunti-unti hehehe... :D

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  14. i agree with zai. i used to avoid my dad until we both grew older, and things got easier between the two of us. give it some time, but it will also be good to make an effort.

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  15. happy fathers day sa dad mo :D


    gusto ko din magdrums...

    anyways...

    ramdam naman ng mga tatay naten na mahal naten sila without words... ganun siguro talga, pero try mo din magstart ng conversation... beside sa shcool/music, sports maybe...
    :)

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  16. happy father's day din to your dad. hope magka-ayos din kayo :)

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  17. hope your relationship gets better.
    as they say, don't let the moment pass
    good luck GB.

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  18. Father is the eye of the home we are in, sometimes he is pissed. But that's a part of being a father.. Happy father's day to your dad..

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  19. Thanks guys. I appreciate.. :)

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so... what's your take on it?

Unquote Joe

Most of the time, tact is not for the intelligent. It takes a great deal of 'being there' to realize that something else is going on.
+++
Albeit Greatness speaks of an effort-filled voyage, the shortest trail en route is the way down.

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